The results from the recent survey on infidelity are in. ‘Trust’ is a major topic for many of you. In fact, it was by far the #1 concern.
When you begin questioning the cheater, they may exclaim ‘How can you not trust me?’ or “How dare you not trust me!” Each of these express disdain for being questioned. Such comments and similar ones are designed to have you back down.
It also shows that they really don’t understand trust and what it takes to develop it.
I am reminded how my wife took a graduate psychology course. As part of the course, she was required to submit a journal to the professor with her insights and intimate thoughts.
When she chose not to reveal these things to the professor, he was indignant. “How could you not trust me?!” He couldn’t understand why she didn’t trust him, a complete stranger. He was, after all a psychology professor at the University of Houston at Clear Lake.
He really expected her to trust him based solely on his being a psychology professor, without having given her any reason to trust him prior to that.
When a professor who doesn’t even start his class on time wants you to trust them, why should you?
He wanted his students to reveal their deepest thoughts with him, yet gave them no evidence that he was trustworthy.
He didn’t understand that even students need a reason for trusting beyond his position as a professor. Trust is something earned, not something demanded.
He operated on the idea that trust comes with position. In relationships, trust is based on other things.
He needed to show them that he had their best interest at heart, he needed to show them that he could be confided in, he needed to show them that they could be vulnerable with him and not be exploited.
The students needed a reason they should trust him.
In a similar manner, the cheater expects you to trust them just based on their position as your spouse. Prior to the affair, that may be, yet after the affair, you need a reason to trust them.
You need a reason to believe what they say, to make yourself vulnerable with them and get close to them. You need to know that they value your trust, that they will not exploit you, that they will not take advantage of your vulnerabilities.
If they haven’t given you any tangible reason to trust them, they’re probably not trustworthy.
After there’s an affair, you need to test them and have proof before you trust them again. They need to SHOW you that they’re worthy of your trust, not just because they are your husband or wife.
So in response to “How can you not trust me?” you may want to say, “Because you haven’t shown me that you’re trustworthy.” “You haven’t shown me that you can be believed.”
Such statements clearly identify the reason for not trusting them without attacking them. Some others include the following.
“You haven’t shown me that you value me and our relationship”.
“You haven’t shown me that you can listen without arguing”, “You haven’t shown me that you won’t exploit my vulnerabilities”.
When you show those things, then you can be trusted. With trust, you need to see and know someone can be trusted. You need ‘proof’. After an affair, you need a solid reason for trusting them again.
If trust is a concern for you and your marriage, you will want to obtain a copy of my video “How Can I Trust You Again?” which deals with trust. It includes the “Trust Formula” so that you can know the five ingredients of trust and what to look for.
Best Regards,
Jeff
