A common question the resolute spouse faces when an affair is discovered is “Should I ask for the details?”. This is not an easy issue to address. The infidel needs to come clean, although knowing the details will make it more difficult to forgive. The details create vivid word images that are hard to let go of. There is also the specter of comparing yourself with paramour. Comparing oneself with the paramour starts a cycle that is not easy to stop.
What do you really need to know? Knowing they had the affair is painful enough. The details lead to the creation of fantasies that will be hard to dismiss. I often recommend limiting what is discussed to a generalized overview. The spouse needs to be honest about what happened without being pressed for the details about their actions. One area where asking for details is helpful is knowing how the affair was set up. How did they cover their tracks? How did they handle the lies and deceit involved in the affair? These are questions where details can be pursued without the fantasies playing out in your head.
Another big concern is whether or not it is over. You may want to ask how it ended in order to make sure that there is closure. Yogi Berra once said, “It ain’t over till its over”. His odd statement is true with affairs. There needs to be closure. The closure needs to end it. If you have to end it again, do so. There needs to be closure emotionally and physically.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
