All relationships have rules, including your marriage. When cheating occurs, the rules are suddenly up for grabs. What used to be black and white is now gray. What you once considered clear choices are now fuzzy. When your spouse cheats, the rules of that relationship are not the same rules your marriage operates under. The cheater changes the relationship rules. You are not going crazy, they really are operating in two separate realities or worlds. each world has its own laws and rules. The rules are not mix and match though. If you confront them on how a behavior is acceptable in one world and not in the other, do not be surprised if they ignore you. Your logic is correct, they are being inconsistent. That is part of the ‘craziness’ associated with cheating.
You can expect them to play by your rules all you want. Having those expectations is not going to suddenly turn the light on and let the see what they need to see. You may have to understand the rules that they are playing by before you intervene by disrupting the rules. Merely pointing out their inconsistencies will result in frustration.
For more information on dealing with affairs, consider my Kindle book, “Why Wasn’t I Enough?” available through Amazon.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
One of their rules was that they would stay in their marriages and would never initiate separation. They felt that this was honorable, so their affair with all its lies, deception, and betrayals were ok. They felt that destiny would somehow bring them together one day because they were meant to be together and had made huge mistakes by breaking up all those years ago and marrying other people. They just had to be patient and keep their dream alive through the long, hard journey.
It’s interesting that my husband was able to justify this in his mind when he was the one to always tell my kids that the end does not justify the means.