How to deal with denial

Affairs are often filled with secrets. Besides the secrets, they are also filled with lies and denial, which comes in many forms. Learning how to deal with the denial is a major challenge for many couples.

The first denial is denying what is occurring or what happened. There is often a gap in time between when an affair is suspected and when the evidence is so overwhelming that you can not deny what is going on or what happened.

Denial of what happened may be a complete  of awareness dealing with any aspect of the affair, or denying portions of what happened. The denial occurs with both the adulterer and the resolute spouse. In many ways, making excuses for your spouse is a form of denying what occurred. Denial can be very strong.

I have seen a spouse not hear when the wayward adulterer confesses due to the strength of denial. It could be that your spouse tried saying things to you or even telling your outright, but denial kept you from hearing what was said. The best way to deal with such denial is tell yourself and your spouse the truth of what occurred. It will be important to stick with facts, rather than conjecture and suspicions.

Once there has been an exposing of the facts, and of the affair itself, then the couple has to face its effects on communication. Besides being strong, denial is a very real obstacle to communication. Denial has a way of distorting and twisting what is said and heard. If you suspect that denial is at work, clarify with your spouse what you thought you heard.

Because the emotions and denial are so intense, there is often a tendency to confuse matters. People often hear what they want to hear, and not actually what was said. In dealing with this make sure you clarify what you heard and what it means and means to you.

When you clarify what you think it means and what it means to you, your spouse can correct any errors. This will help make the emotional surroundings clear. It will also clear up many misunderstandings between what they intended, what you heard and what that means to you.

Besides the denial of what occurred, there are other types of denial at work. The denial is at work in both you and your spouse. Another form of this problem is denial of what you felt on finding out about the affair.

On finding out about an affair, there are many emotions. Some may be expressed, and some held back. It will be important in overcoming this issue that you be honest with yourself about what you are experiencing. This includes the emotions you felt toward yourself, and toward your spouse.

Sometimes a discrepancy exists between the emotions you expressed and the emotions you experienced. Since the shock of an affair often triggers vulnerability and helplessness, and those emotions are not desirable, they are often covered up by other emotions.

There may be strong hostile feelings aroused by what happens. In some cases there is curiosity and arousal along with the hostility. Rather than give in to these emotions, and assume if you feel them, it must be so. Instead view them as part of the barometer of your emotional state. They are revealing aspects of the turbulence, tension and mood of the relationship along with your needs.

Although couples want a one shot sure fire silver bullet to remove denial, it does not exist. Overcoming denial will take honesty about what happened in the affair, honesty about what each party feels, and honesty about what is currently going on. Honesty will have to become a habit. Thin includes honesty about what you are feeling along with honesty about behavior.

Besides honesty, you will need to create an atmosphere of safety. Some denial only fades as those involved feel safe. It will help reduce denial if there is an assurance of safety, and willingness to hear them out. It becomes counter-productive if you are not genuinely attempting to listen and understand what they tell you. Keeping denial out of the relationship is like keeping dust out of a home, it requires frequent regular activity to keep it down to a low level.

Best Regards,

 Jeffrey Murrah