Feeling out of control is not something I enjoy. While there are some people who actually like that sensation, it’s a feeling that scares me. Being out of control brings a sense of powerlessness, helplessness, and vulnerability. It’s a situation where things are happening that I can’t control, avoid, or deny. And during those moments, I’ve learned some tough lessons. To be honest, I don’t even like dwelling on those feelings. One of the triggers for that is news of a major hurricane coming my way.
The news about the hurricane has brought back memories of those experiences, along with some other unpleasant ones I’ve been through. Even though I’m grateful that those times are in the past, they definitely weren’t fun when I was going through them. Whenever those out-of-control situations arise, I can’t help but think, “Here we go again.”
It’s in those moments that you really discover your true coping skills. How well do you handle the situation? Do you try to regain control or do you let things happen as they will? There’s something counterproductive about trying to use control as a way of being out of control. This is especially true with discovering your spouse’s affair.
Trying to take charge of situations where you have no power is just not effective. I know there are some of you who believe in the “fake it till you make it” approach. But when you’re out of control, pretending to have control or exerting control over others who have even less control than you do is pointless. It’s like the “kicking the dog” syndrome.
When things are chaotic in your family, taking it out on a helpless pet may make you feel a little better, but it destroys the trust that was once there. Kicking the dog, or taking advantage of those who are more vulnerable than you, is cruel and selfish. Affairs are often situations where you feel completely out of control.
You can’t manipulate and control everyone’s actions, emotions, and reactions. On a good day, the most you can do is control your own feelings. But when those situations drag on for a long time, it can bring out the worst in us. We may shut down, lash out with anger, direct our frustration toward others, or even turn it inward.
And unfortunately, we may find that the “bitch mask” we put on is no longer something we can take off. When the long-term effects of affairs keep us stuck in that out-of-control place, it’s important to seek help. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” can guide you in moving past those experiences. You don’t have to be defined by those self-destructive habits.
You can break free from the “bitch mask” and regain control of your life.
As always, keeping it real,
Jeff
