It amazes me how I continue learning new insights from the questions from those like yourself. a recent question was “How long does a marriage last after infidelity?”
The question started me thinking about what’s behind a question like that.
For some reason, a trend in the questions concerns time frames, timelines, and how long things take. When I hear those kinds of questions, I recall a conversation I had with a triathalon veteran and former professional athlete neighbor.
He shared with me how he won his competitions. He focused on ‘doing his best’, rather than how long it lasted, who was ahead of him or other items. He stressed that the key is ‘doing my best’. He found this approach helped him the most in his competitions.
When he shared his thinking with one of the talking heads from a national morning show, the interviewer (whose initials are ML) was thrown off his groove. They wanted to talk about what he thought about his competition or some other secret. Somehow doing his best stupefied the interviewer.
He went in telling me how those who focused on time or the finish line alone seldom dominated the competition. They gave up on reaching that time or the finish line.
Focusing on ‘how long’ tells me that your focus is on time frames rather than doing your best. When you do your best, the how long it takes fades into the background.
It’s not surprising that few ask about “How do I do my best in making my marriage work after infidelity?” Instead, it’s easier looking for a timeline or time frame so that you know ‘how long’ you may find yourself making an effort.
With that kind of thinking, you’re not putting forth maximum effort. Your attention is on ‘how long’ things take rather than doing your best.
With a mindset and focus like that, you have a reason for not putting forth your best effort. Putting maximum effort into your marriage also means that you’ll be outside your comfort zone.
It also means that how long it takes is not your major concern. You don’t put a time limit on your marriage. You realize your marriage doesn’t have a “Best before date” on it.
For some, this kind of thinking puts them outside of what they’re comfortable with. Being outside of where you feel comfortable is scary. Once you’re out there, it’s unfamiliar territory.
Making a marriage work after an affair drops you in unfamiliar territory. Exceptional and extraordinary relationships take you into unfamiliar territory. Once in that territory, the critical questions for you are “Do you want your marriage to last? and Are you willing to make your marriage work?”
If you’re ready, consider the Affair Recovery Workshop. It guides you through the maze of communication, rebuilding intimacy, and moving past roadblocks in your marriage.
You’ll find ways of doing your best rather than operating according to an arbitrary time frame.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
