One of the problems I hate dealing with are car repairs. Although some of those who are mechanically inclined have no issue with such problems, I do.
Typically, when there’s a problem, it requires trouble shooting in identifying what needs repairing. The symptom and the source of the problem are often two different things.
I especially hated when I find myself having to trouble shoot a problem for the second time. This aggravates me in that it means “I was wrong” about the first solution and that the problem still isn’t resolved.
I’ve learned that the clearer I am on identifying the problem, the more likely I know what needs repairing, even when I have someone else fix it. With trouble shooting again, it means that I wasn’t clear on what the root problem was the first time.
I recalled my car repair issue on coming across an inquiry from a reader of the affair recovery blog.
The reader wanted to know about restoring their marriage after the cheater committed infidelity twice. Once is bad enough, yet when it happens again or even multiple times, you re-experience all the pain again.
When infidelity happens the second or more times, more changes are needed. It’s clear that the approach taken didn’t work as well as it needed to.
I wonder if they focused on removing the symptom of the affair and didn’t fix the root problems in their marriage.
At those moments, I like to ask “Are you clear on what the symptoms are?” I start there since knowing what the symptoms are helps with the trouble shooting.
Understanding the symptoms requires more than “they cheated again“. Their infidelity is the cheater’s solution to some other issue.
Being vague about symptoms leads to vague or ineffective solving of the problem. It leads you to taking a stab at a problem without clarity on what the issue truly is.
Something drove the cheater into infidelity once more. This means that the affair wasn’t the problem.
When your understanding of the affair is vague, you really don’t know if you’re actually addressing the problem in a productive way.
You can try fixing it yourself, yet you already know where that’s gotten you. You can try getting outside help, yet infidelity recovery statistics suggest that in a majority of couples, your counselor won’t likely deal with the affair-related issues.
This time, you need to consider a different approach. Consider getting help and assistance from someone with experience in dealing with affairs whose familiar with proven methods.
Multiple affairs indicate that changes are needed. It helps when you know the what to change and what kind of change is needed. There could be a sexual addiction, or fear of intimacy or a fuzzy affair relapse plan or …
Making the choice of not changing only allows the problem situation to continue in the direction its going.
If you need more intensive help with a situation like this, a good place to start is with the video “Preventing Affair Relapse”. It guides you through some of the most common problems leading up to a relapse along with what you and your spouse can do about them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
