When I hear the question “How do I get my wife to understand …” alarms immediately go off in my head. Whether it’s understanding an affair or swinging or hiring prostitutes, the assumption being made is that all you have to do is “get your wife to ‘understand'” is misleading.
When you as the husband say ‘understand’ there’s likely some word games going on. You may use the word ‘understand’, yet what you mean is ‘accept’ , ‘condone’ or ‘approve’.
You are using a head-based word, as in “understand” when you’re actually looking for an emotional answer. Using words like ‘understand’ when you actually want emotional closure or ‘approval’ is misleading.
Your wife may very well understand what ‘an affair’ is, or what ‘swinging’ is or what prostitutes are. There is often not a problem with intellectually grasping what is going on.
They know what’s going on. What you claim as ‘they don’t understand’ is a falsehood. They do understand what they don’t approve, condone or accept.
Working through any issue requires honest communication, especially when it involves sexual misconduct. Lying or playing word games confuses communication.
Word games create situations where your misbehavior is ‘not so bad’ in your own mind. What you did was wrong.
You did your spouse wrong.
Until the two of you agree on that, the discussions aren’t going to go very well. Once you agree that it was wrong, and deal with what happened, then your spouse may be willing to listen to your motives.
This is not guarantee. You may want your wife to listen to your motive (which is really nothing more than the excuses you tell yourself) and give you a gold star.
They look at what you did, NOT your motive for doing them wrong. Wives don’t give gold stars for your good motives behind your bad behavior. They don’t reward what your “intentions” were.
You may have rehearsed what you are trying to say to them. When they don’t ‘understand’, they’re not following your script.
If your talks with your wife are scripted rather than honest straight forward communication your living in your own head rather than with your wife. Their not understanding is often a clear message that you are not shooting straight and being honest with them.
So, to be honest, is it really about ‘understanding?’
If you’ve cheated, being honest is a good start. For the next step, you need the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery“. The video guides you regarding what to say and changes needed in turning your marriage around.
Best Regards,
Jeff
