You’ve likely heard about the importance of “loving your neighbor“. The whole idea of loving your neighbor sours quickly when you’re facing an affair. I’ve seen the phrase used in excusing a wide array of unloving acts.
As twisted as it sounds, there are some cheaters who take the whole idea of loving others to an extreme it was never intended. Although it’s easy seeing when things go too far, have you considered how far you should go?
In the back of my mind, I’ve pondered the question of how far loving others should go. I’ve also wondered how this teaching lines up with sound marital practice.
Let me start off by saying that I think you are going too far when you invite the lover over to your home for a social purpose. They’ve already shown a total disregard for the boundaries of your marriage in their adultery. Inviting them over is asking for trouble.
You can love them by choosing to restrain yourself from excessive violence or hunting them down. If they have encroached on your home after what they’ve done, those restraints may not be so restrained.
Setting boundaries is a good way of showing love. True love operates within boundaries.
Those who talk of unbounded unconditional love are promoting a romantic notion rather than a workable reality. You can still ‘love’ your neighbor by setting clear boundaries.
Loving your neighbor in my mind means abiding by the law in matters concerning them rather than taking it into your own hands. Expecting them to obey the law, respect your marriage boundaries or follow God’s law regarding marriage is not hating or being unloving.
Loving doesn’t mean foolishly making yourself vulnerable to them or begging and pleading with the lover to not take your spouse. That kind of love is misdirected sentimentality.
That kind of misdirected sentimentality is also involved in you feeling that it’s unloving for you not to speak up.
Loving your spouse also doesn’t mean ignoring what they’ve done or not bringing it up because it makes them uncomfortable. It may be difficult to bring up, but it’s an act of love. It also doesn’t mean that you should just listen to their side of the story and not get the whole picture.
Loving your spouse means doing what is best for them, even if it’s not what they want in the moment. Love brings with it accountability. You can love the cheater and still hold them accountable.
When the cheater tells you that you don’t love them because you hold them accountable, you’re being manipulated. Love always lives with honesty and accountability.
If the cheater has shut you up by silencing you regarding accountability, your marriage needs help.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop”, you’ll be guided in ways of developing healthy communication. You’ll also learn ways of establishing healthy intimacy rather than gushy sentimentality.
Your marriage can have a healthy type of love rather than the ideas about love that ruin marriages and get people in trouble.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
