In working with couples, there are times when they could’ve preventing big problems by following simple rules. Not doing the simple things leads to complicated situations.
Those relationship dilemmas where your first response is “it’s complicated” began when someone made compromises about simple rules. Things like not dating people you work with, not keeping how you feel concerning relationships from your spouse and not ending your marriage to your ex-spouse.
Compromising on basic issues like these leads to major problems. Each of them starts off as ‘small compromises’ that are often about ‘keeping the peace’.
The choices you make when putting ‘keeping the peace’ ahead of your marriage relationship create major headaches. I mention these due to each of them involving loyalty issues.
These compromises put you or your spouse in a place where they are conflicts concerning loyalty. Those loyalty bonds often trigger guilt reactions. Instead of setting a boundary or saying ‘no’, the attempt is made of appeasing to keep the peace.
When you choose to ”keep the peace“, it’s only for a short period of time. The peace lasts until another loyalty conflict comes up. The problem is that after you compromise once, it becomes easier doing it the second or third time. Your resistance and ability to say no decreases with each time you give in.
Technically, I view these loyalty compromises as ‘soft blackmail’. I call it soft blackmail, since they don’t always have stated threats. You may even just be imagining the threats.
What is clear is that if these compromises are happening, your marriage is at risk. The time for dealing with these issues is now.
Rather than ‘kicking the can down the road’, take action. When the action you take is delaying decisions, it only makes the next decision either more difficult or with higher stakes. It makes them MORE complicated!
Following the simple rules helps reduce relationship troubles. Although it’s too late to undo the bad choices you’ve already made, you can start changing the direction things are headed with your choices today.
One of the simple choices that will help your marriage is to make it the priority relationship and start doing repairs today. One way of starting those repairs is by talking about what really happened.
In the video series of the “Affair Recovery Workshop”, I guide you through the challenges of starting up those tough talks and re-engaging with your spouse.
Order your copy today and start transforming your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
