In dealing with affairs, I have realized that there are often three major scars of damage inflicted in the course of an affair. The first scar or damage is that inflicted by the affair itself. The second occurs in conjunction with the discovery and hiding of the affair. The third concerns how the family deals with the affair. Since there have been many postings on topics related to the first and second scars, I will address the values crisis associated with the third scar.
The family reaction to an affair presents a values crisis for many reasons. it becomes a crisis since what occurred with the affair and its cover-up are often at odds with the values held by the family. There is often a massive difference between what is espoused in terms of stated beliefs and what is practiced in terms of behaviors shown. There is a dissonance between what is done and what was said. Although the family may say that lying, cheating, breaking promises and threatening is not acceptable, when an affair occurs, such behaviors are often readily dsiplayed. In some cases, the values of openness, love and acceptance are challenged by the betrayal and lies surrounding the affair. The children see how the parents respond to the situation. In viewing their parents responses, they see which value system their parents actually live by, rather than what is preached. Upon seeing this descrepency, they often loose faith with either their parents, their religion or both. In some cases, they try rationalizing it thinking that somehow their parents are special exceptions to the values crisis. The idea of thinking that the rules somehow do not apply to them creates an unstable foundation for moral and social development. Social development hinges on people doing what they say they will do. Thinking that one is an exception to that foundational truth presents many problems.
The parents often falsely assume that once the affair is over and exposed, the damage is over with. They are sadly mistaken. The damage done in how they responded to the affair is often like a cracked foundation, which initially appears to be alright although the reality is that the whole structure has been weakened by it. It is during this time that some parents begin the process of alienating their children from the adulterer or in some cases the resolute spouse. Rather than working out their issues directly, the parents begin fighting through the children. In such occurances, both parents end up losing since the children learn they can not trust either one.
When dealing with affairs, it is important to deal with not only the affairs, but also how the family responds to the affair and the adulterer.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
