In the aftermath of an affair, parents often do many things which they think will help with adjustment to what went down. Many times the motives for the actions they take are noble. The actions taken often have good intentions. Although the intentions are good, the impact is often disastrous. Some parents remove or reduce the children from contact with the adulterer thinking that what they did was contagious. They rationalize their actions, claiming that it was ‘for the good of the children’. In the aftermath of the affair, the adulterer often needs contact with their children and others. The children also need contact with their parents. The child may not approve of what the parent did, but it is still their parent.
Another area where I have seen damage done concerns ‘reframing’. In reframing, the parents attempt constructing a new family. The manufacture of the ‘new family’ often involves retelling the history of the family and changing many parts of it. The reframing may lead to alienating the children from their parent. Some people are written out of the family history. It is as if the family wants to deny their existence. Children growing up under such conditions find themselves struggling with confusion. They remember growing up one way, yet the ‘approved’ history of the family is different. When these descrepencies arise, they often begin doubing themselves rather than question the accepted or ‘reframed’ history of the family. Rather than deal with the reality that some bad choices were made, the children are led to believe a fantasy about a family that never existed. Reframing brings with it a danger. The danger is that the children often begin doubting themselves, rather than trust themselves and their own gut reactions. They are led to accept the ‘party line’ or accepted version of the affair rather than workign through the factual events and persons. Although the intentions may be good, the impact is not. Such reframing often destoys self confidence in ways that are often not visible until years later.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
