Uninvited guests can be either a pleasant surprise or a nightmare. When that uninvited guest is the AP (lover), it’s more of the latter.
Since there’s always a chance the AP will show up, you’ll want to consider how you’ll handle it. Scurrying for a response once they arrive is too late. You’ll want to have a game plan before they ever knock on your door.
First, it helps to know whether your cheating spouse invited them or not. Either way, they’re still uninvited as far as you’re concerned. If your spouse did invite them, you might be tempted to confront them. However, that could lead to an argument or worse.
If your spouse didn’t invite them, then you have a few more options. You can try to ignore them, but that’s easier said than done. They’re going to want to talk and you’ll need to decide how far you are willing to let the conversation go.
Since the AP didn’t respect the boundaries of your marriage, expecting them to respect the boundary of your home is on shaky ground. What’s one more boundary to them?
What’s clear is that they’re taking encroaching to another level. With that action, they are bringing the affair into your face. At that point, you can’t turn a blind eye to it or ignore things any more.
When they come to your home, it’s reasonable to ask their reason for being there. Although there’s no guarantee they’ll be honest, it’s possible.
If they’re a poacher, their agenda is one of replacing you.
If you sense mental health issues at work, it’s time for protecting you and your family. Given that mentally healthy people don’t just let people in their pants willy-nilly, even being part of the affair is a raised red flag alerting you to problems.
The priority at this point is safety, not being nice. You can be civil without boxing yourself in with being nice.
As I’ve pointed out in my books, they’re not playing by the rules. The old saying is “All’s fair in love and war”, and you’ve got to wake up to the battle happening in your marriage.
If they threaten you or your family, it’s definitely a warning sign of trouble. Use caution in interacting with them and document, document, document what happens.
It’s also helpful to know who to call before trouble shows up. Knowing it ahead of time will save you the trouble of looking up phone numbers at a bad time.
It helps is your spouse supports you in standing firm and telling them to leave in clear unambiguous terms. Having your spouse take a stand helps with closure for the affair.
The incident is also a reminder that your marriage needs help. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I cover how you can handle the relationship needs and challenges that come with an affair.
Rather than stumbling for how to handle things, you can instead have confidence and assurance in what you do in dealing with the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
