One of the debates in the recovery community concerns whether insight will change the cheater. Will some new knowledge convince the cheater to change?
Since many of the resources available are insight intensive, it’s a valid concern.
In tackling the topic of insight, let’s first consider if knowledge is part of the problem. Did the cheater know what they were doing was wrong? Did the cheater know what they were doing?
These questions let you know if they were just being stupid or malicious. If they knew what they were doing and still chose to do it, that could be a sign of an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.
Insight is usually helpful in getting to the root of the problem. In fact, research has shown that insight can help people make positive changes in their behavior. However, insight alone may not be enough.
If they knew what they were doing and knew that it was wrong, increasing insight isn’t your best option. In those cases, choices were made in their heart. They knew what they were doing was wrong and they intentionally had an affair.
When their heart is directed elsewhere, giving them insight won’t change much. In such cases, you need a way of reaching their heart, not their head. Their values aren’t in sync with yours.
However, if the cheater didn’t know what they were doing or was capable of knowing it was wrong in the first place, insight will be an important part of their recovery.
Consider how you are approaching them. Do your questions focus on what’s in their head or what’s in their heart?
If you’re asking them what they were thinking, don’t be surprised that they give you an answer off the top of their head.
How you ask your questions directs where they go. Reaching their heart requires you to approach them from your heart. The challenge is that if you’re avoiding your emotions and other heart issues, it’s going to be hard for you to come from your heart.
If you’re living in your head and seeking intellectual answers, you’re not going to reach their heart. This is a hurdle in the affair recovery journey. The journey to the heart requires you to start with the heart.
In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” I share ways of doing this with you. How you ask questions determines whether they’ll bring healing or more hurt.
Although you know what you want to know, that doesn’t mean you’re asking the best question for getting what you’re looking for.
The questions you ask will come from where you’re at, whether its’ in your head or heart. It could be that your spouse is actually answering the questions you’re asking. Deeper answers come from deeper questions.
When you want your spouse’s heart, it requires dealing with them on that level. A common frustration is using insight questions while expecting heart-level responses. It’s frustrating for them and for you.
Instead of staying in a frustrated place, consider a different approach. Click and download today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
