If anyone tells you that affairs are a ‘bitter’ pill to swallow, it is likely that they have some experience in the matter. The whole issue of bitterness is one of the ugly sides of affairs. Although there are plenty of shows, movies and books celebrating the joy or the passion of an affair, you have to look carefully to see the bitterness portrayed. Occasionally it is there, albeit for short segments.
It could be that the bitterness is only for short segments because you and others can not take bitterness in large doses. Bitterness has a way of turning everything sour. It ruins your mood, your motivation, your attitude and your outlook on life. In many ways bitterness is the opposite of the ‘Midas touch‘. Instead of things turning to gold and having value, they turn sour and lose their appeal. With bitterness, you loose any joy you may have had.
When something is ‘bitter’ it has a sharp, acidic feature to it. Do you think it is coincidence that the term ‘knife in the back’ is also used in reference to affairs. The whole idea of something sharp, be it in the form of bitterness or the knife edge of betrayal is used to convey the sensations associated with an affair.
You may not have considered it, but the ‘bitter pill’ reference has some hidden truths. Bitterness is likened to a pill that you have to swallow. In a similar manner, the affair is something that is forced upon you. Like the bitter pill, you are required to swallow it, whether you like it or not.
Some of you may have even swallowed the pill, gagged, then swallowed it again. In a weird way you replay and relive the awful sensation of doing it again and again repeatedly, while thinking that somehow it is going to be different this time. My news to you is that by swallowing it again, it is not going to be different.
It is not surprising that many of the sensations you experience related to the affair deal with having to swallow something you do not want to. Things like ‘gag reflexes’, nausea, pain in your gut, vomit reflex and others are used in reacting to or explaining your response to having to take something into your life that you did not want.
It is as if the cheater is cramming something down your throat that you do not want. The tough part is that the longer you hold onto it, you start becoming bitter yourself.
When you become bitter, it is not just your mood that changes. The longer you stay bitter, the more ‘acidic’ you yourself become in terms of biting remarks, smart alec comments, and sniping at people. It is as if you are spreading the bitterness that you disliked to others. I understand you want to be rid of it, yet spreading it to others is not a workable answer.
In many ways, the cheater may also have their own version of bitterness, although theirs has a slightly different dynamic. With the cheater, the bitterness is more about misplaced guilt. Those reactions they should have had to cheating on you BEFORE it happened is instead taken out on you after it happens.
The cheater often uses their bitterness to excuse the affair and plunge deeper into it. They rationalize that the affair is their way of dealing with the bitterness. The more guilt they should be feeling is instead showing up in the form of bitterness. In some cases, the bitterness changes to anger.
(Remember, anger is a secondary emotion. There was some emotional sensation that was experienced prior to the anger. Anger always follows some other emotion).
Stay tuned. I will cover more on bitterness, including ways of dealing with it in future blog posts.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
