Can you have an addiction to swinging?

A reader wanted to know if his wife could get addicted to swinging. The answer is an unqualified “yes”. A husband or wife or both can become addicted to swinging.  But it is not just swinging. Anything that involves sex can become addictive: cybersex, phone sex, anonymous sexual encounters (a.k.a., prostitution).

Although your local therapist may deny that such an addiction exists since it’s not on the ‘Official’ list of diagnostic categories.

Any seasoned therapist who’se been around addictions, and more specifically sexually addictions, will tell you otherwise. They know that swinging is often part of the sexual addiction continuum.

It’s important to understand just how addictive swinging can be.

When someone is sexually addicted, they often want to go deeper in their efforts of escaping daily routines. The more they want to escape, the deeper into their addiction they go. Swinging is one stop along the way of the sexual addiction continuum.

Swings and sex clubs are simply higher steps along the sexual addiction continuum.

Swinging offers many opportunities for escapism. There is the whole cosplay, furries and dress-up aspects. It’s all about playing a role. The roles vary from couple to couple but they will often include: Bad Cop/Good Cop, Master/Slave, Top & Bottom, Domination and Submission, etc.

These aspects often hearken back to the days of dress up play as a child. The dress up gives them something to look forward to and an opportunity to look ‘pretty’. When they are given attention for it, the dress-up turns into a POWERFUL secondary reinforcer of the swinging addiction.

There are also the ‘hardcore’ aspects of partying which allow opportunities for a high to be had. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol or anonymous sex (a.k.a., prostitution).  The combination between all three can often lead to sexual addiction cycle that is highly disruptive to their daily lives and damaging to their relationships with family and health.

This amounts to a second level or layer added to the addiction. Dealing with sexual addictions is hard enough without them being secondarily reinforced. The support system keeps the addiction going even stronger. The more layers of addiction, the greater the struggle there will be in getting out.

There are secret meet-ups which are often in exotic locations. At these ‘secret’ meet-ups, participants pretend being someone they are not. This can be very exhilarating. It’s like being on vacation. Except, the vacation never ends and can lead to a sense of powerlessness.

They can allow their alter ego to come out.

The whole dress up routine gives them a chance to leave the day to day mommy and child care world, and step into a world of fantasy and excitement. When you have a mind-numbing daily routine, such a change is a shot of adrenaline excitement. They go from ‘ho-hum’ to ‘Wow!’.

There is also the validation of being desired and wanted by other people. Everyone wants and needs to be desired. No one wants to be a non-person. Being wanted and desired is a huge ego boost, especially for those who have low self-esteem.

These factors may not be enough to create an addictive cycle on their own but they add up. When you combine all these ‘activators’ together, it’s like taking the first steps on a fast vehicle headed down the sexual continuum.

Swinging meets that need, which is one of the powerful hooks that lures people in.

Those promoting swinging know the power behind escape fantasies and often use it in finding new playmates. There are often whole communities involved in the lifestyle, where they provide people with intensity and excitement. Under the guise of ‘fun’ they open the door to dangers.

Since so many confuse intensity for intimacy, they fall for it. They crave intimacy so much that the intense experience is substituted for what they really need.

The additional layer of secrecy adds even more excitement. Having to be careful about who knows and how much they know adds drama to their lives. If they are a person starved for attention and intrigue, the ‘lifestyle’ as it is often referred to offers an attractive alternative to routine.

They want an escape and swinging provides that for them. They assume that all their fantasies about secretly being a special princess can come true with the double-life of swinging. While seeking that other side of their lives, they do not notice the change in their behavior and thinking.

They do not realize that all the activity is changing them on the inside. Since it is not something they can enhance with make-up or cover with a dress, it is often ignored.

The desire for a ‘high’ or sexual fix starts to drive them. They don’t realize that the only thing separating them from the local drug addict is their drug of choice. Each of them experiences cravings, triggers, and crashes.

The swinging often goes more extreme, turning into sex with strangers, anonymous hook-ups or more. The drive for the excitement drives them into more extreme behavior. The more socially inappropriate or dangerous, the greater the level of excitement.

A recent study found that 63% of those into BDSM had cheated on their spouses. This shows that the risk of affairs increases with risky behaviors.

When swinging gets out of hand, you’ll see them caught up in the ‘cycle of addiction‘. If they have a family history of addiction or childhood sexual abuse, the risk for addiction is even higher. The risk is very real, and getting out of this addiction has its own challenges.

You can get out of this addiction. You can help your spouse out of this addiction as well. Neither you nor they have to stay in the addictive cycle that often goes with swinging.

That’s where my video  Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers comes in. It helps you break the cycle of addictive behavior and address the trauma symptoms. Rather than go deeper into the addiction, you can instead pull out of it.

Best Regards,

Jeff