Once news of the cheating has come out, in some cases, it is followed by self-loathing by the cheater. The self-loathing may be mild or extreme. When spouses are faced with this self-loathing, they are faced with some difficult choices.
1. Should she allow him to wallow in his self-pity and self-loathing?
2. Should she intervene with reassurances of “Everything is going to be alright”?
Both of these options are mistakes. When I see self-loathing, I am reminded of a line from the move re-make of the Thomas Crown Affair, where Pierce Bronson comments, “Regrets are a waste of time”.
Self-loathing is a form of regret. With self-loathing, there is plenty of regret, crying, and poor-me talk.
What is the pay-off for self-loathing?
Self-loathing allows the cheater to avoid responsibility. Yes, they are admitting their mistake, but they are not moving past it. They are stuck in emotional mud. If the loathing continues for a period of time, they are building up to either cheat again or leave the marriage.
The self-loathing is also self-deprecating. The usual pattern is for them to continue putting themselves down until they ‘don’t deserve’ their wife or kids or ….
It is at that point, they immediately hit their retro rockets and propel themselves out of the loathing and into the option that they have been wanting to do all along. The loathing allowed them to make that choice, but now they do not feel guilty about it.
They already wallowed in their guilt. ….In other words…it is an emotional con game. It is an avoidance of responsibility.
The way out is for them to ‘man’ up or ‘put their big girl pants on’ and face up to what they have done. They made a bad choice. That does not mean they are scum, it means they made a bad choice. They can now choose to make better choices.
True confession involves regret over what was done and a desire to make it up to the offended party. They’ll take action to make things right, which means they will have to leave their lover and all those goes with them.
Choosing to remain in self-loathing often indicates they are not wanting to leave behind the relationship.
Selef-Loathing is more than just a phase they’re going through. It also indicates something bigger is going on. I address this in the video, “Dealing With Affair Relapse” where I go into greater detail about urges and triggers. Self-Loathing is often a trigger leading to an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey
