When I discovered that my mom had an affair, I didn’t want to believe it. For a period of time I tried blocking it out of my mind.
The nagging questions would not let me block it out as well as I would like. Questions like “How could she do this?” “Doesn’t she know any better?” “What was she thinking?” “Why him?” “How can she say that she loves me and do something like this?” went through my head.
No amount of rock music could block out the unpleasant thoughts. I couldn’t stay busy enough to distract myself from the situation.
The time came that she initially talked to me about it. When I expressed my thoughts and feelings, she commented “Your just like your father!” and stormed out.
I was left stunned and unsure of what just transpired. Although I was legally an adult, at that moment, I was as crushed as a boy who had just lost his puppy with it being run over.
When betrayal and hurt happen within families, the hurt and pain go deep. Since the hurt and pain are deep, it often takes time, lots of time in order to bring healing to the hearts of those touched by the adultery.
Although parents assume that their adult children ‘understand’, there’s a massive gulf between ‘understanding’ and ‘forgiving’ or even ‘acceptance’ of what happened. Such healing doesn’t occur by osmosis or magically, it requires time and forgiveness.
It requires honesty and acceptance of responsibility.
Just because your child is an adult, it’s wrong assuming they’ll openly accept what has happened. It’s also a mistake assuming that they’ll understand.
When you’re their mom or dad, they won’t be objective. They won’t understand what you did. If you have a healthy relationship with them, they can’t.
If they were objective and handled it with calm acceptance, I’d question what kind of parental relationship you have with them.
It’s also important that there is honesty and openness. The video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” will help get things started.
Best Regards,
Jeff
