Affairs are destructive. They always bring death and destruction. Even when they do not destroy your marriage, they damage the conscience of the cheater. The longer the affair lasts, the more seared their conscience becomes. What started off as a mere ‘bending’ of the rules and seeing if they can get away with something without being caught creeps and spreads until they view themselves as ‘special’, and that normal rules do not apply to them.
The special label may begin with just the few rules they bent, but often spreads to where they are ‘special’ in all that they do. The more they give into the emotional passions, the more awareness of consequences disappears. The balance of emotion and rational thinking breaks to where all their decisions are based on emotion, and none based on consequences. They eventually get to the point where they do not even consider consequences, because, consequences do not apply to them, since they are ‘SPECIAL’. At that point, they are ‘out of control’.
The way to bring them back to reality is to have them face the consequences. They need to face the outcome of their choices. That does not mean that you need to punish them. It does mean that they need to discuss and be made aware of the consequences of what their choices are. They need to have the blinders removed that have kept them in the dark regarding how their actions have touched others.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
I noticed many changes in my husband during his affair. I always attributed them to other things, usually his job, because I felt he always looked for and did the right thing in every situation. But during the middle years of his affair, I noticed that he was becoming increasingly cynical and jaded. It really did seem like he had no problem bending and even breaking rules. Small things like keeping people waiting at dinner became bigger things as time passed. Then he seemed to come back around a little. I now know that it was when her husband found out and threatened to tell me, and she threatened suicide. Then it seemed the consequences of his actions started to hit him. Two years later, when I found out, he was hit again, and now he seems to have regained most of his conscience. Hopefully we keep moving in the right direction.
Once the conscience is damaged, risks are taken in a wider circle of areas. They may rationalize their actions in order to avoid having to face where the damage actually began.
Oh yes, I don’t think he would ever admit that he any problem at all with his conscience, let alone admit that it started with his affair. He thinks he’s fine and that I’m the one with all the issues.