Excuses are excuses no matter how they are packaged. It is amazing how those bent on adultery find creative and innovative excuses for their actions. The damage done in ‘the name of love’ is extensive. The excuse “but we love each other” is often used to excuse and condone destructive behaviors. Spouses have left their marriages along with their children citing that “we love each other”. In such cases, I often wonder if they are confusing love with arousal. They may find their new lover fun, exciting and stimulating, but that is not love.
On the flip side, those spouses who have been abandoned in the name of love often lash out at the new lover/play toy with hatred and contempt. Often times, the hatred spills over from a hatred of what was done to a hatred of the people themselves. Although there is good reason to be upset, lashing out at the lover does not address the issue of what was missing in their marriage. If the spouse is ‘looking for love’, it is a good indication that something was missing in their own marriage. Understanding what the spouse was looking for and finding a better way of meeting that need would be a better response that immediately lashing out. When the spouse realizes that the flip side of “but we love each other” is actually saying “I don’t feel loved at home” or “I don’t feel valued and important to my spouse”. Learning how to listen to what is said along with what is not said is often crucial in turning the marriage around.
For more insights on turning relationships around, investigate the “Affair Recovery System” and find out what you can do.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
