It may be hard for you to consider the affair from the cheaters perspective. For whatever reason, needs were not being met within the marriage. You will need to hear what they identify as their needs. In listening to them, it is important that you do not react and defend what you have or have not done.
Defensiveness does not help any discussion, especially those related to cheating. You may be surprised at what those needs are, if you really listen. Although some cheaters were intentionally out to hurt, most are not. In many cases, they struggle with a sense of desperation, yet feel they can not talk to you about their struggles. Whether it is because you get defensive, or are too busy for them or block them out, or some other excuse. Although you may think that you are easy to talk to, that may not be the case. Your spouse may have found it easier to get involved in an affair rather than talk about their needs with you. They made some soft easy choices.
Before you condemn them for those soft easy choices, consider how often you have selected those easy choices rather than struggle through the hard ones. It is easier to complain than to do something. It is easier to ignore rather than to discuss. It is easier to run off at the mouth than it is to listen, to really listen, with your ears and your heart.
It could be that your spouse may need your ears and your heart rather than your mouth and bile.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
