When there is enough evidence that something may be going on, yet you are not sure if it is an affair, you may have to consider the option of spying. Spying on your spouse can turn into a two-edged sword situation. Spying can provide you with the solid evidence you need, yet there is a risk that the trust in your marriage will be damaged. When the cheater finds out about the spying, they may have strong reactions complete with accusations and tirades. When you decide to spy, you need to be ready for the possibility of such reactions.
When your marriage and your life is at stake, then the priorities change. Saving life always takes a priority over other values. Although trust is something you want to protect in a marriage, when there is a significant risk, you may need to consider this option. When you spy, some localities may consider it illegal. So is illegal spying a ‘bad thing?’ Once again, saving a life takes precedence over the legality of many actions. It does not mean that there will be no consequences.
You may think that I am exaggerating about how ‘your life is at stake’. When there is a possibility that the cheater is being exposed to HIV, other STD’s or communicable diseases such as TB, your life is at stake. The diseases they are exposed to are brought home into your bedroom, where you are exposed to them as well. The health risk are only one reason why your life is at stake. The cheater is possibly bringing home potentially life threatening or shortening diseases. They may assure you that the lover informed them that they were ‘clean’. That assurance may have been enough for the cheater, but it is not beyond lovers to lie about their health when they are in the midst of an affair.
The second reason your life may be at stake is the psychological and emotional state of the lover. Some lovers are not stable people. How do you know that you are safe from them? How do you know that your spouse is not seeing a murderer? Your spouse may tell you that the lover told them that they were not a murderer. The reassurance they were given by the lover does not predict future behavior, nor does it allow for the likelihood that they may be lying. Murderers have been known to lie. Unless you are well acquainted with the lover and their past, you do not know for sure.
There may only be a slight chance of your life being at stake. Even with a slight chance, is that a risk you are willing to take? When you consider the potential danger to your life, then the loss of some trust is a small price to pay. Given that the cheater has already tossed trust out the window, they do not have a strong argument in that area anyway. Even though they do not have a strong case, they often rely on bluff and accusations to take the heat off themselves. Accusations like “You don’t trust me, do you?” or “How dare you spy on me!” or “I can not stay married to someone who does not trust me.” You need to realize that each of these are manipulative ploys designed to take the guilt off of themselves and put it onto you.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
4 Responses
Dear DrJeff, wife Peggy and Friends!
Yes, l am still out here! Have read every post and all comments. I just have not been in position to post my own comments. I am currently staying with a friend who does not have any internet connection, so I have limited opportunities to be on-line.
As you well know, l was in the great state of TX at my parents for 2 months after I separated from my ‘narcissistic nincompoop’. (I was actually in ‘striking distance’ of you, DrJeff!)
I went back to my home area. Things are not too bad here. I have been using the suggestions of author Bill Eddy in dealing with the situation and it has made a dramatic difference. Also, all of the info you share with us has helped me so very much to remain calm, balanced, stable and joyous.
My husband is actually still giving me some $$ as well as allowing me access to our home. (Remember, my income was from our jointly-owned business) Even though he packed up everything I own and put it in storage, (strong message there!) he has not prevented me from retrieving necessary items from our home and seeing our pets.
My being calm and kind has really gone a long ways! However, he obviously has no intention of even trying to reconcile with me as I found he has posted an ‘ad’ on a dating site! So, so sad. The reason I even looked on the site (as I have no interest whatsoever!) was because one day when I was at our house, I checked out his browsing history and saw he had been checking out the personal ads on a particular site. So, after a few days, l took a look at the site and lo and behold! an ad that was clearly him!
Anyway….I have absolutely no regrets that I finally extracted myself from the situation. However, l am still so very sad that these are the choices he made, rather than cherishing the treasure of a faithful mate.
My spiritual, mental, emotional and psychological state has improved dramatically! I still have a lot of healing to do and a difficult road ahead, but I am up to the task, thanks to all that care enough to share their strength & thanks to our Heavenly Father!
So, there it is…..an update…….
Thank you all for your love and support!
Love to all………
Sherri,
It is encouraging to hear that things are improving. Healing takes time. Time for emotional healing, time for recovery, time for financial recovery and time for mental adjustments.
IF you wanted to work things out (that’s a big IF there), when a cheater places an ad on a dating site, it does not necessarily mean that they are beyond recovery. (I mention this due to some readers being in a position where they are focusing on reconciling). I know that you have some unique issues in your situation and that distance is needed for safety and recovery. I also did not want to discourage those reading your post assuming that when their spouse places an ad that all is over and assume that they are doomed. In your situation, it is a sign that he is moving on and not interested in reconciling. He is searching for your replacement as if you were an interchangeable mechanical piece of machinery.
I am glad that you are doing well, and that you are managing to keep your cool in such a distressing situation.
Dear DrJeff,
As always, you are so right! For some, placing an ‘ad’ is tantamount to a cry for help! Yes, one must always consider the whole picture! So glad you had the insight to remind my fellow posters of this fact!
For my situation, this is a long-standing pattern. Still, who knows what tomorrow may bring? Those of us who share the faith, we realize that at any moment our lives could be altered in a way that no one could ever predict, much like our ancient brother, Joseph.
So, in the mean time, we exert our energies on serving our Grand Instructor, our heavenly Father. Much like the Psalmist, we beg to be instructed, to be taught, to be reminded, to be trained and so on.
Unless we have a strong bond with our Creator, nothing matters. Focusing on that will heal our hearts so that whether the adulterer comes to their senses or continues to be in darkness, our lives will have brought honor and glory to our God.
So good to hear from you DrJeff! Please, keep up the fine work!
Love to all……..
Sherri,
I am glad that you understand. I was not wanting to discourage you in any way. I also did not want to guide others looking for answers to steer off course. We often get so caught up in pain, that we do not realize that others are watching us and how we handle things. They are often suffering in silent desperation. None of our sorrows are ever wasted.