One of the easiest things to do in the aftermath of an affair is blaming. When news of the affair comes out, there is a sensation of being stunned (or exposed). In response to this experience, the stunned (or exposed) party often reacts with anger and quickly seeks someone or something to blame for what occurred. The stunned (or exposed) sensation carries with it a sense of helplessness and vulnerability. While in that state, one often seeks ways to flex one’s power. Even though you can’t control what is going on, by blaming and getting angry you have a way of letting out some of those emotions welling up inside. The emotional explosion does not improve the relationship, it does not bring healing, although it does bring some sensation of relief.
The blaming often takes the form of attributing the cause of the affair or exposing of the affair onto someone or something other than oneself. It seems that all responsibility is delegated to things outside of oneself. “You made me…”, “You are a …..”, “YOUR nothing but a ….” are often heard. They release tension, but do very little to change the patterns or the relationship itself. Blaming is destructive to relationships, whereas understanding is healing. Trying to understand your spouse does NOT mean that you agree with them, it only means that you are attempting to grasp what has occurred and their reaction to it.
Stopping the blaming is not easy to do. Like a bad habit, it often comes ‘naturally’. Try using more understanding and less blaming the next time there is a discussion about the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
