When all the dust settles from the affair you’ll find yourself facing ‘the man in the mirror’ so to speak. Eventually you’ll have to be honest with yourself about some of the issues going on.
When those times of honesty come, do you run from them or face them? This is not saying that you caused the affair.
What I am saying is that in the aftermath, one question you’ll encounter is ‘the mistake question‘. When you come face to face with yourself, the question of whether you made a mistake or are a mistake is one you’ll wrestle with.
If you say you are a mistake, then the issue you are dealing with is shame. Shame has ways of paralyzing you from doing anything. It keeps you locked inside a private prison.
Even after the cheater starts making changes, shame will keep on pounding you with doubt and criticism. Shame keeps you from ever being enough.
Shame, like a pit bull locks its jaws and refusing opening them to let you go. It keeps you in its bite as long as it can.
If on the other hand, you tell yourself that you made a mistake, the challenge in front of you is guilt. Even though the cheater did the cheating, guilt has ways of touching everyone involved.
There’s also the dilemma of not being able to tell the difference between guilt and shame. When you don’t know what you’re up against, its hard to ever win.
Not knowing what you are up against keeps you from making improvements to yourself and your marriage. Confusion about guilt and shame keeps you from speaking out. That confusion silences those who are caught up in it.
You could be so blind to which one you are dealing with that you feel lost. You know you don’t feel right, yet aren’t sure why.
During such times, you would benefit from having someone else not involved with the affair drama to hear you out and listen intently for clues as to which way you are dealing with the mistake question.
This is where the support community at Restored Lifestyle can help you. There I shared strategies for moving past the Mistake Question in your life.
Rather than staying paralyzed or silenced, you can instead start speaking out and moving past this painful part of affair recovery.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
