One of the experiences that stayed with me from my days in school sports was the long bus ride home after losing a football game. The whole mood of the ride was somber and heavy.
During the silent ride, everyone was lost in thought. It was a time for reflection. I and the other team members replayed what happened along with what I needed to do at the next game.
I couldn’t change what happened in that game, but instead focused my attention on what I needed to change. The silence made the bus ride seem longer than it actually was.
When you’re covered in dirt and fresh from a loss, it makes for some serious reflection time. I can wash the dirt off, yet the consequences of my choices would outlast the dirt. It gave me determination to do better next time.
During affair recovery, there are times when you’ll need reflection. You can’t change what happened.
You may not have a long bus ride home, but you still need time to consider what happened. During that time, you replay what was said and done.
Beating yourself or your spouse up over it won’t change events. At those times you need to consider what you did well and what needs improvement.
What you can change are future choices and actions. The pain of past events is a good teacher.
The challenge is one of using it for reflection and not morbid introspection. When your self-talk turns to how you’re too fat or too ugly or too whatever, your mind has plunged into that morbid introspection.
The fault finding regarding your physical features, weight and attractiveness turn sour quickly. It’s only a short leap from fault finding to viewing yourself as being ‘bad’ or defective.
Healthy reflection on the other hand concerns looking at what you learned, considering what you can change, along with what you handled well.
Those times of reflection aren’t fun, but they are instructive. When playing sports, there were lessons I learned from the coaches and some that I learned on those long bus rides back home.
If you find yourself often plunging into the morbid introspection, you’re likely experiencing some of the effects of Affair Trauma. If that’s the case, you’ll need some help turning around into a healthy direction.
One tool that will help is the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma”. In it are the tools that can help you regain your flexibility and clarity needed for what lies ahead.
Rather than beating yourself up, you can instead learn from what happened and prepare for your next opportunities or learn ways of making them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
