One of the things you’re now facing concerns making choices. Whether you like it or not, each day brings with it a multitude of choices.
At the time when you don’t want to be making choices, they’re forced upon you. Choices about whether or not to forgive, whether to let the cheater back into your life, and what you are willing to share with others.
Although you want to go on with ‘life as usual’, after the affair it’s now life as UN-usual. Not only are you making choices, the choices you’re now making have bigger ramifications than before the affair.
You’ll never have all the facts or information you’d like. If you’re waiting for those missing pieces to fall into place, they may not be available anytime soon, if at all.
If you’re waiting for the right time in terms of everything lining up, you’ll be waiting a long time.
If you’re waiting for the safest choice, you’ll find yourself taking the default outcomes.
If you’re waiting for the cheater to take initiative, you’ll be waiting a long time.
With this in mind, the basis of your choices will have to be based on what’s healthy or unhealthy. Not only has your life changed, your way of making choices has changed as well.
In most cases, choices made in the heat of the moment driven by emotion are unhealthy. Emotion-driven choices are risky. You may feel good about them at that moment, yet when they’re unhealthy, they end up being bad choices.
The emotions driving those choices may be driven by your own unresolved hurts. They may be driven by revenge, or fear.
One way of reducing such choices is by seeking help during such times. This is when having a support group or therapist is invaluable. They can help you see things that in your emotional state, you hadn’t seen. Emotions have a way of blinding you to your options.
If your emotions are blinding you into making unhealthy choices, now is the time to change that. Obtaining assistance, especially when it’s having someone who is ‘safe’ that you can open up with is a big help.
Recently, I’ve had a couple of slots open up in my schedule for consultations. The consultation package includes four monthly one-hour sessions plus e-mail support during that month. It may be what helps you through a challenge rough spot.
If you’re interested, send me an email (Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com) for more information on the package.
Making choices is now something that you are having to do alone. If you need some extra assistance, it’s only a few clicks away.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
3 Responses
Sounds a bit like the cheater getting a pass. They should come 100 percent clean and initiate. My opinion! They are expecting a whole lot from the victim to stay or trust them again!
Anonymous,
I like your opinion. I think that the 100% clean is the preferred option. Under ideal circumstances the cheater should be the one to initiate reconciliation. In reality, it doesn’t always happen that way.
There are definitely many expectations in recovery. Some are realistic and some are not. Some are expressed and some are never mentioned or identified.
The realist in me finds that choices have to be made with the best information available, even when you don’t know the whole picture. I also know that the cheater is often blind to the whole picture themselves. They live in a world of distortion and deceit as well.
This is why I advocate the couple work as a team in addressing the issues surrounding the affair. This way, they can find ways past each others blind spots.
Anonymous,
Cheaters are often grandiose in what they expect and hope to gain. They definitely want to have their cake and eat it too.