In reading through the latest affair news, I encountered a story about cheating from the University of Buffalo. Although I did not find the story remarkable, in how it talked about cheating as a way that students find succorance and as a way that they discover themselves. I realize that the writer is focused on their audience at the University, yet it troubles me that articles such as this mislead many astray along with being part of layers of double standards at Universities.
Many cheaters would latch on the excuse, “I need succorance!” to rationalize their actions.We all want a shoulder to cry on, or have someone to do things with, but using the need for support as an excuse for cheating is stretching things.
In some cases, it is not about wanting emotional support, it is about finding the ‘prefect lover’. They just have to go through a lot of potential candidates along with way. The going through lovers is a bad habit that may be hard for some people to leave behind after they finish their college life.
The who idea of being on a quest to find the perfect lover is a common myth used by many cheaters. Sadly, this if often fueled by fantasies based on images from pornography which give unrealistic expectations for relationships. Those searching are trying to find people who look great, are interested in them and want relations on demand like they encounter in porn.
Real life is not like pornographic movies or images. Make-up and photoshop have enhanced the stars to such a degree that they are often unrecognizable or unremarkable in actuality. This is the first double standard. Real life is not like the enhanced version.
The whole pursuit of unrealistic expectations whether under the banner of succorance or ‘discovering themselves’ is a sham on many levels. These are not honest reasons for cheating. Some college kids want sex with as many people as they can. The claims of searching for succorance or discovering themselves is a way of taking the moral sting out of their sleeping around. It amounts to playing word games to justify their licentiousness.
Another double-standard is in how many universities turn a blind eye to sexual cheating in the student body, yet attempt taking the moral high ground against academic cheating. I recall sitting in on a new student lecture at a University of Texas school where they laid out their elaborate stance against cheating and any student having an ‘unfair’ advantage over their peers. I was surprised that no one caught the hypocrisy in the whole thing. They even proclaim an ‘honor code’ regarding such behavior.
How can a school take such a moral high ground in academic issues and not tolerate cheating in one arena, yet turn such a blind eye to cheating in relationships? If cheating is bad, it should be bad across the board. Saying that cheating in relationships is tolerable and part of discovering yourself yet not allowing it in other areas is …a double standard. Imagine if students cheated on papers with the claim, “I did it because I need succorance” or “I had to discover my sense of identity by plagiarizing other writers” or some such nonsense.
Consider how university life would change if the honor code applies in social and academic settings.Consider what would happen if integrity were a way of life in the classroom and on dates. If integrity were actually a way of life rather than an empty statement proclaimed to new students and placed in student handbooks, life would be radically different.
I mention this as a concern since cheating in many cases did not start within your marriage. The cheater may have started a lifestyle of cheating during their college days. They began a lifestyle where cheating was a way of life. At that time, the college authorities may have turned a blind eye to their cheating, viewing it as ‘no big deal’.
When those who are accustomed to cheating decide to marry, it is often hard for them to deal with people disapproving of their cheating. Since no one confronted their moral double-standard before, they become incensed that you actually have problems with them cheating now. This is the danger of double-standards.
When you grow up under a double-standard system, it weakens your marriage.
Make no mistake, growing up under a double-standard system changes your thinking. I address many of the ways the cheaters mind is changed in my e-book, “Why He Cheats” which can provide more in-depth understanding in this matter.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
