Someone wrote to the Atlantic about an affair situation in their marriage. After some infidelity early on, the couple re-committed and operated with the agreement of ‘no outsiders would be allowed in‘.
Committing to the no outsiders worked for them for over 20 years. I thought the intervention was a good boundary for them to have. Although it was a good intervention, it wasn’t enough, as the wife found out.
Building a barrier keeping others out of your marriage is not enough. She thought that keeping the outside threats eliminated would make her marriage safe from an affair. The ‘no outsiders’ policy only dealt with half the equation.
Any issue left half-solved remains unsolved. Sure, they dealt with a symptom, but neglected the root of their problems.
In their case, they additionally needed improvement in their marriage relationship. This includes sharing, communicating, encouraging and helping each other address blind spots.
They needed some work done inside their marriage as well. The inner work is even more important than erecting boundaries around your marriage.
Reducing outside threats to your marriage with healthy boundaries is a great start. The problem with great starts is that healthy marriage require more than just a good start. Your internal needs require attention as well.
You may think you know all there is to know about your spouse. You may actually know all there is that they have allowed you to know. As humans, we are always growing and changing. When you’re oblivious to those changes, blind spots begin developing.
When your communication is at a heart to heart level, you’re aware of the changes and growth. You continue finding new areas about each other. When you neglect this, complacency creeps into your marriage.
That complacency keeps you in the dark about blind spots. You may be keeping the outside threats under control, but that doesn’t mean that the threats from inside your marriage are gone.
If your marriage communication needs help in keeping the connection between the two of you healthy, consider the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”. It guides you in opening up healthier connections between the both of you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
