A recent email sent to me raises a topic worth addressing.
The author wrote: “We are four years removed from the D-Day (date of Discovery) and healing but do you think I trust very many people now?
It took me six months to forgive him and even today I am leery of anyone…. especially men. I wonder if I will ever trust people again.
I found her cheating left a scar that is a reminder of what “could” happen again. Is this normal?”
The topic this email raises for me is that of being leery of people, even several years after the affair. Having such leery reactions is quite common.
Even after you’ve done the forgiveness work, when an event cuts you deep like an affair does, your mind and body remember. All it takes is a song, look, smell, time of year or gesture and the trigger is activated.
Having such reactions doesn’t automatically mean that you haven’t forgiven. It does mean that the hurt of the affair was deep. The deeper the hurt, the longer the healing time is required for healing.
Think this through. When something cuts you down to your soul, is it realistic to forgive it within a few hours or days? When you have surgery, it takes weeks, months or years to heal. How much more so when the wound is in your soul?
Even Biblical references to such situations refer to the reaction of some husbands being so strong that no ransom or gift ever satisfies them in terms of settling down. They may be good men, yet affairs inflict deep hurts.
With deep hurts come scars that can trigger reactions all over again. The reaction to the affair changed them forever. New nerve pathways were formed that won’t not go away.
The good news is that you can learn ways of helping the leeriness to fade to where it no longer dominates your thinking and reactions.
This is where trust comes in. Moving past such reactions requires rebuilding trust.
If you’re unsure of how to build that kind of trust or how you can trust again, consider the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?“, it will give you the direction and instruction you need in understanding trust.
The anniversary reactions and their ilk can continue years after the initial healing from the affair. Learning how to identify triggers and handle each of them helps you know where you need trust work done.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
