While growing up I often heard the phrase “Life’s not fair!” I not only heard it, I experienced the truth of that statement first hand.
Having learned that lesson about unfairness, when I hear the cries about things not being fair from social justice types, it falls on deaf ears with me. I know things aren’t fair or equal, they never were and never will be.
Along with talk about fairness, another fallacy is the idea of ‘kindness’ when it comes to affairs. When an affair happens to you, the ideas of fairness and kindness are trashed.
I hate bursting the hopes and dreams of the social justice idealists, but the reality is “Life isn’t fair” either in opportunities or outcomes. The unfairness of things isn’t reason for throwing your hands up in surrender. It’s a reason to regroup and prepare.
When the outcome isn’t in your favor, you need to start over. You’ll also see that it’s unraveling was for a reason. You can do things differently and better next time.
When confronting the issues, honesty is more important than being kind. When affairs happen, kindness gets confused with weakness.
What the unfairness of things means is that you need a different approach and different attitude when faced with unfairness. Developing the kind of flexibility you need in taking those different approaches requires effort.
This is where you face the tough choice of either exerting effort in making changes or just complaining or protesting about the unfairness of things. You can put all kinds of signs in your yard or stickers on your car, but it doesn’t change your situation. The complaining and protesting has never changed anything.
So, what’s fair? What’s unfair? Life might have given you some advantages, but it also gave you some disadvantages too. You can’t change the hand of cards you were dealt. You do have control over the attitude you take about your situation though. You can play the hand you have to the best of your abilities.
In my case, I opted for making changes over merely complaining.
In facing the affair, you’ll encounter many things that aren’t fair. Acceptance of the affair situation isn’t fair. You shouldn’t have to put up with an affair. You can accept that it happened, but that in no way means you approve of it.
Even though it’s something you shouldn’t face, the reality is that you are. This is one of those “Life isn’t fair” situations.
Your spouse having a lover isn’t fair. They will never be fair and neither will the relationship rules surrounding those areas.
That’s not to suggest that you can’t change this situation.
You can and should change it. You must decide that even though it isn’t fair, you’re going to take action in changing the unfairness of how something like having an affair is handled in your relationship.
Developing a different attitude and different approach to the affair is something you can do. This is where the downloadable ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’ comes in. In the workshop, you’ll be guided in developing a different attitude. You’ll also learn new ways of approaching your unfair situation.
You’ll have new ways of bypassing their defense mechanisms, getting them to open up and ways of fostering intimacy. You’ll also know what dangers to steer clear of and mistakes you can avoid making.
You can’t prevent the unfairness of things. You can learn new ways of improving your resiliency and ability of responding to the situation.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
