A reader recently wrote me about the problems she’s facing with her husband. Her frustration and pain came through so strong in her letter, I felt I was experiencing the same discomfort.
Her struggle concerned her husband who binges on porn and then desires acting out what he just watched. She was feeling desperate concerning how to deal with the situation.
Although not all of you are dealing with the same issue, there are some lessons from her situation that will help ya’ll. One of those lessons concerns the potential dangers of cosplay (costume play) or fantasy role play.
You don’t hear much about cosplay in connection with affairs, even though you should. Under normal conditions, cosplay is a safe and fun activity.
The danger comes when those engaged in cosplay start using their costume in testing sexual limits. When this happens, cosplay transforms into a variation of exhibitionism and the lines between the fantasy and the real blur.
In a similar way, the husband sought acting out the porn he viewed. With him, the line between porno world and the real world blurred.
With cosplay, some cheaters put on a new persona with their costume and test limits regarding affairs. In some ways, cheaters were engaging in cosplay long before it became popular.
It’s no surprise that there are increasing numbers of sexual harassment and assaults in the cosplay community. The dress up is exciting, yet it stirs up passions as well.
The swinger community knows this, which is one of the big draws for them. Their events often emphasize dressing up, which contributes to the excitement.
Dressing up is not just putting on different clothes. In this case, it includes putting on a new identity.
Cheaters and cosplay are a dangerous combination. With the dress up of cosplay, some cheaters release their dark side. The dress up allows them to hide who they really are and act out in other ways.
If you think cheater hiding behind avatars or false identities on the computer is bad, cosplay takes the hide and sexual play to new levels.
The other danger is that the cheater seeks gratification of their fantasy rather than making love to you. They get more caught up in the toys and costumes than in you. Their fantasy centers around their own sensate focus.
Their focus is directed inward. You may be the one indulging them, yet you are only an actor in a play going on in their mind.
It’s my hope that you wake up. You want them interested in you rather than how you are packaged.
If your marriage needs help in rediscovering who each of you really are and in moving past the affair, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” will help. Inside, you’ll find direction on ways of making healthy changes to your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
