Have you considered the comment made by cheaters that the affair “just happened?” I was reminded of that comment in reading through another popular book on affair recovery. When books are based on the premise that affairs “just happen,” it sets off my “B.S. Warning System.” I have to limit how much time I spend studying such books since I grow incensed at how so many people are being led astray.
If you have been a reader or follower of the blog for a while, you are well aware of the role fantasy plays in affairs. I do not accept that affairs “just happen,” with the possible exception of someone who was unwittingly seduced in a one-night stand situation. And even then, I have some reservations.
When the cheater and the lover meet more than once, it did not “just happen.”
When the cheater exercises forethought in planning an affair, it did not “just happen.”
When the cheater has been fantasizing or lusting after their target/lover, the affair did not “just happen.”
When the cheater hides every aspect of the affair they can from you, it did not “just happen.”
The author of a book I’m reading takes a “no fault, no harm” type of approach. It is as if they are providing the cheater with a “gimmie” for the affair (I am referring to the golf term here). The gimmie is excused when the cheater is “looking for love.” Somehow, when a cheater is “looking for love,” it makes their actions excusable (according to the author).
When affairs “just happen,” the cheater is no longer the bad person, or the person who made bad choices, or the fool who gambled their marriage away, or the sex addict who does not want to control themselves or avoid the situation. When affairs “just happen,” the cheater can remain a “good person.” Not only can they remain a good person, but they can claim that the affair was noble, since they were looking for love.
The book strikes me as one of those that provides a “get out of jail free card” to cheaters.
My own experience and research shows different findings. First, most affairs are pre-meditated to some degree. If the affair has not been planned out, there is often the chase and fantasizing that happens prior to the affair. Granted, there may be times that the lover comes on to them. Even in those cases, they could still stay “NO.” Some cheaters have a hard time saying “NO” to indulging their desires. They may have trained themselves to give in to their passions. Even in those cases, they made choices about indulging their desires way before the affair opportunity.
Second, whenever the term “looking for love” crops up, I am reminded of growing up in Pasadena, Texas in the shadows of Gilley’s nightclub, which was made famous by the song “Looking for “Love” in the movie Urban Cowboy. Growing up there, I saw many of those who were “looking for love” in places they should not have been going. Just hearing the term conjures up images of potential cheaters on the prowl, looking for any excuse to indulge their passions. In that same town, there were hookers (if you knew where to look). There were all kinds of things you could find, if you looked in the places where they were located.
Common sense used to tell people to avoid situations that are questionable. I guess the author (who did not grow up where I did) was never taught that idea. Even as a drug counselor, I know that if you are wanting to avoid getting drunk, you have to find new playgrounds and playmates. Perhaps the author assumes that the reader is unable to find new playgrounds or playmates, which then gives them the plausible (?) excuse that “it just happened.”
Using the author’s logic, when you are in the wrong place at the wrong time, many things can “just” happen. For me, the choice to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person screams FORETHOUGHT and PLANNING.
When a cheater knowingly lies to cover their actions, they know that what they did was wrong. They may rationalize their lying, saying things like, “I was just trying to protect you.” But hopefully you see through that. When they lie to you, there may still be a good person inside, but they are engaging in some pretty shady dealings in covering up other shady dealings. I do not know at what point the cheater has enough shady dealings to consider their actions wrong, evil, or thoughtlessly self-serving. You will have to decide that on your own.
In recovery, you and the cheater are out to pull them out of the sticky mess they are in, wash them off, find what good remains, and nurture more of it.
2 Responses
I strongly agree. Affairs don’t just happen. There is something that is lacking in the person and the marriage. Communication is a very important key. Expressing the lack of something to your partner and giving them a chance to be aware of your feelings, gives them a chance to work on the problem. You will never find the solution in another’s arms.
Tia,
Thank you for sharing your wonderful insight. I like the way you put “You will never find the solution in another’s arms”.
Communication is foundational in a marriage relationship. The hard part is often for one spouse to give the other a chance to work on the problem, or even to express what it missing. Admitting that you need them is challenging for many spouses.