Dr. Johnson of literature fame was prone to say that “men more often need to be reminded than instructed”. His saying is very helpful in dealing with affairs and marriages that are at-risk for affairs. You man need to remind yourself about basic relationship needs. This can be done by asking yourself “What are my spouse’s needs?” It is hard to meet need if you do not know what they are. You want them to be a better person, and they probably need your help in achieving their best.
It also helps to remember who you are and what made you fall in love with your spouse. You made promises when you married them. You may need to remember what your promises were. These days, promises and oaths are broken as a matter of routine. If you want your marriage to work, you need to remember your oaths and not join the ranks of the oath breakers. Just because the cheater broke their promise is not grounds for you to break your promise to them and God.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
5 Responses
I am sad tonight. My husband has been sleeping upstairs since Nov when he confessed to having reconnected not with the OW but for his need to be a ‘father’ to the children of the adultery .
I not only spent many years ‘understanding ‘ his ‘need ‘ for privacy and time to do whatever for his career …but I now have even more years of loneliness for HIS company.
He seems to not care about this . He wants to stay in the marriage , and is here for meals, and some help with dishes ., but he has checked out of any work on the relationship.
I asked him tonight .’ what did I ever do to you that you feel this is the way to treat me ‘ i once asked him what he thought it meant to be a friend and he told me it meant’ you would always be there for someone when they needed you .
I said that I needed him and his companionship and love .
He said it was not about me…but himself
No doubt that is true.
He won’t get help ..
The only argument I could offer to him that made him stop thinking he wanted to just die…and get it over with was that he said he wanted to ‘be in the children’s lives’ so that they knew someone had their back since their mother seemed to be detaching more from her responsibilities..leaving them alone a lot and not having food in the house …I think that is HER manipulating his feeling of responsibility and causing him to ‘jump through hoops’ …..
I asked him HOW did he think they lived for the two years that he did not have any contact right after D DAY …
Nothing seems to touch him ..I think his heart is hard toward me …and he is soft towards those kids
Even our own daughters are only given what time he is here from coming home til bedtime ..and our weekends but it is not the same as ‘making time mid day from work to call them as he does with the children of the adultery ..and then leaves work to take them to eat!’
Our daughters have not had the same attention and time allotment …neither have I EVER !
I think he is creating a relationship with them and expectations that he will not be able to fulfill and also creating a false idea of what a ‘father ‘ is.
He does not care …I feel it is just all about himself , though he is very good at charming those he wants to make a good impression on .
It hurts all of us . He says that he KNOWS he will see us when he comes home at night but if he is going to build a relationship with those kids he has to do it this way ;
Never mind that he has put NO work into the healing that I need or that our relationship needs. It is ‘too hard’ apparently …I feel once again that to HIM I am just not worth it .
I know I am worthy of a lot more than he seems to feel . I am not without interests and activities and have many and varied talents …but it is sad to always be having to do things alone …my daughters also feel as though they need to be my companions . I am concerned that they have stopped their own lives to fill in the gaps …My husband seems to have always foisted his unwanted responsibilities off on others….
Maybe this comes with being a big time manage of a national company …but it has ‘wasted’ a lot of my life as I have set aside my own life to serve in my marriage and be available to him
He has not appreciated this but has taken it for granted…no just me ..but our daughters….my son lives in another state …and has a life . We are not morose people . All of us are lively , fun. witty and talented but his constant moving our family has left us rather frazzled.
We have had much of our household packed up and stored since we THOUGHT we were going to have to move again due to economics. This living ‘up in the air’ because of my husband’s LIFE STYLE of cheating and now focusing upon his new career and those children has effectively put all of us on ‘hold’ again .
I have no intention of divorce …I do not believe in it …but it appears that my husband is willing to continue to keep us in a ‘roomate ‘ mode for an undetermined amount of time …His life ‘goes on’ while the rest of us are in limbo . None of us work …due to our faith …women are at home.
My career was ended back when I married and had our children and homeschooled. I have little umph to get out and do anything outside our home and with getting the house on the market that is a full time job with the way the adultery seems to have sucked the last of my enthusiasm out of me for outside activities.
I have my Bible research which is nothing to sneeze at …and my relationship with the Lord and my daughters and a few believers.
I just want my husband and my life to GROW ..but I feel like when I married this man HIS life when gangbusters and mine shrunk . His life is all he is concerned about though he talks about ‘what are our daughters going to do ?’
We attended a homeschool convention recently and from what I have learned over the years …HE was supposed to be HELPING our children prepare for some kind of industrious work …possibly from the home …training and supporting with advise and some of his great wisdom about the business world would have been great …and especially about finance which is his field…when I asked for help ..he brought home some comic books on the subject and handed them to me
I am not a ‘numbers’ sort of person …but that was HIS only contribution in response to the needs our children have had to learn about this area
I observe many homeschool dads who do not know half of what my husband knows about business but they love their children and do their best to try to help them in all these things…my husband did not and does not seem to realize that he could have also benefited from this kind of involvement
It was too much for him to do ..instead of coming home to spend time with our children he went to his OW house for some ‘unwinding time’ …and sex…coming home …too tired’ after a long day at the office’ and showered [ for the third time ] did not eat ..’late lunch’ and slept in front of TV while I read stories…then slep upstairs…ALL throughout the long years of raising our children.
So I thought perhaps NOW ..if he was truely sorrowful over the pain this has caused ..and now that there are a few good years left in me ..WE would have some time to finally be able to date …and get some couple interests….
He is not going to involve himself ..even though he said he loved me and never wanted to hurt me …he says there is just too much damage and nothing can be done to fix ME !
I am sorry to rant …I am just so tired of being a ‘single woman’ with a wedding ring …and I have no desire for any other man …and would not even if I did ….I guess this is to be my life for the rest of our lives …he just refuses to put any energy into working this out ..and he does not believe that GOD will forgive him and does not want to investigate that possibilty ..most of the time he confesses he wants to die …and go to hell …
How is that for a ‘compliment’ ! I realize he must feel guilty but the options are there to learn what to do …to change the situation ..he simply refuses to allow anyone to advise him ….
Sigh…I am just going to keep on doing what I do …enjoying the Word . My daughters…who are in a tick tock situation too …They may miss marriage and having a family due to this situation. They are very dependent upon what our life is …it is part of the expectation of a father’s duty to protect and provide for his daughters until they marry and go under the protection and care of their husband .
We have no stable roots or network presently and not knowing where we are going to be living sort of hinders that ….
Just a low point …you know how this goes in the after math of adultery discovery …ugh.
I have several online women I try to encourage …[hahaha ..doesn’t sound much like I have much to offer tonight does it ! ]
Thanks for a place to share my thoughts…and sorrows too . :>)
Zaza,
You may want to look at my post on “Wrong Signals”. Some of what you are describing, even down to the thoughts of death are part of the packaged ‘Jonah’ deal. When Jonah is not doing what he is supposed to, there is suicidal ideation. He may be avoiding you by sleeping upstairs, but the One he is really running from is not you.
It is painful to read of his struggling, when he has so much potential and his experiences could help so many people, especially in the homeschool community.
I offered this idea ot him about the wonderful possiblity of helpiing others not fall into this ditch of also being a healing example to our children and others that no sin has to destroy a life and a marriage but GOD will help us learn the ways that heal and restore…His shame is such and pride at this time that he does not want to do this …he has ‘disqualified’ himself through his refusal to hope …and his hope continues to be very small because it is still invested in his own ideas of what to DO to ‘make up’ for his sin .
This is going to have to be a work of GOD which in what I have been led to see is through HIS WORD …received …not just made available
Pride causes one to resist and reject the word …I pray his life will turn to seeing this futility of trying to “fix’ what he broke in the lives of others….he neglects our family in many of the ways that he DOES ‘owe’ the effort …while he tries to apply his effort to those NOT of his jurisdiction that he was given by GOD …this does more harm even though his motives as ‘good’ in his own eyes.
The disordering of priorities is still one main cause of his feeling of failure and ongoing pain for all of us who have his actions daily testifying to his refusal to take seriously the need to reform his priorities..
He has a plan for his own ‘vacation’ to golf …while feeling guilty he promises that we will take a vacation as a family in another way ….this is not necessarily going to happen since we do not have a lot of income to put to that use now ..and his golf has been reduced to nearly nothing but this particular event he says he will lose his place in the tournament if he does not play this year …
This way of making decisions has ‘worked’ for him all these years…but when GOD is LORD one trusts that the ‘loss’ of a place in a golf tournament is nothing compared to the loss of his putting GOD and his family before this activity
He enjoys activities and WHO he experiences them with is of little concern.
ALL of us have lived witnessing this for many years…accepting it as ‘necessary ‘ for his work.
My father had this same ‘reason” for playing golf every weekend throughout our whole life ..eventually in his 70’s he left my mom for a woman he was playing golf with …in a retirement community …
The women there are lonely and hungry for a man and do not care if he is married or not …as usual ..GETTING a married man away from a wife of many years is a bigger ‘trophy’ …age does not stop people from sinning …
Zaza,
It definitely sounds like he does not want to help others at this time.
It is interesting that he likes golf. A surprising number of cheating husbands like golf. It is one of those activities that in my mind is a red flag that alerts me to potential high risks.
Golf …my dad was a golf-aholic too …it is said to promote business relationships…it also is pricey …it is a status symbol to belong to a country club ….
I never thought I would EVER marry a man like my dad …apparently I was wrong ..he was NOT like my dad in the beginning ..but when he got involved in the Corporate world he really was drawn away
The LOVE of money truly IS the root of all evil …there are other things but money is a huge driver of pulling people away from the true values of life if they do not have a strong moral compass.
I wonder what the history of Golf would reveal ..didn’t it have it’s beginnings in Scotland? hmmm…what is the spiritual roots of Scotland that might lend some clues to this ….maybe