Married Women who Cheat

What do the numbers tell us?-Approach with CAUTION

Researchers in the 20th century consistently found that more men had affairs than women. The numbers often vary depending on which study you are looking at.Many researchers only report the percentage of responses without telling you how many people were in the study or what kind of people were in the study.By only reporting the results, they keep you in the dark regarding the details. By reporting only percentages, the researchers can manipulate and deceive the readers. The numbers may be the responses from primitive tribes in South America or New Guinea. Without knowing which group it was or how large the sample, the reader draws conclusions that are not accurate. Responses to questions asked of women who read Cosmopolitan magazine are going to be very different than those who read “Christianity Today“.

As society and culture have changed, so have the numbers of married people having affairs. Although people want statistics concerning how prevalent the behavior is, the studies on infidelity do not have consistent numbers.The numbers in such studies range from 15% up to 50% of married women admitting to having affairs. The wide variation numbers reported in such studies make it difficult to obtain a clear understanding of the issue.

What is clear is that we do not know how many wives cheat. The studies also make it clear that what is defined as an “affair” or “cheating” are also hard to define. The definition of affair runs from virtual affairs (aka Emotional Affairs) to coitus. The definition of an affair varies depending on the researcher and on the participants in the studies. With 1200 participants, there are often many variations in terms of how they define an affair.

When you look at the statistics on affairs, like the statistics on many sensitive topics, you have to view them with CAUTION.The need for caution is extremely high, when the news report or researcher only present the findings out of context.

The greater the sensitivity of the topic, the greater the possibility that people will lie, hide or distort the information presented. There are also cases when researchers have been known to fabricate their findings. When the research is funded by a big money interest, or the government, it is more likely that some fabrication or manipulation of data is going on to make it favorable to those funding it. Even some government funded studies have been known to misrepresent or withhold data when it was not favorable to them.

What I often tell clients is that the marriage you need to be concerned about is yours. Do not compare yourself to the couples in the research. Comparing yourself to them often leads to wrong conclusions. The numbers on affairs are not consistent and are often interpreted depending on the biases of researchers. When someone wants to present an argument that everyone is doing it’, elevated numbers are presented and a loose definition of an affair is used. When someone wants to downplay the numbers, they choose a tighter’ definition of infidelity’ and smaller numbers.

What do we know about cheating wives?

It is known that some married women cheat. Being married does not make your wife immune to cheating. The cheating ranges from emotional attachments developed on social networking sites to one-night stands to on-going physical relationships. Wearing a wedding ring does not mean that some one will leave your wife alone and not make passes at her.

There are many reasons given for the affairs to occur. The reasons given vary from person to person. With the many reasons given, there is not one standard explanation for the affairs.

Some of the reasons that I have encountered include:

Emotional needs were not being met at home.
Sexual Addiction
The husband forced her to have an affair
She was attracted to the lover
She was lonely
The husband was having an affair
She was drunk/stoned
She was unable to say no
It was something new and exciting
She saw nothing wrong with having an affair
I thought it was part of the my job
Flirting got out of hand
It was the only way to get my husband’s attention
I needed to feel attractive
It’s genetic, affairs run in my family
He was cute/attractive

These are a few of the many reasons given for cheating. There are many other reasons as well.

When a women wants to cheat, reasons will be found. Once your wife decides to cheat, she will find an opportunity. If she does not create an opportunity, she will respond favorably to opportunities that come her way. Before passing judgment, bear in mind that it is often easier for an outsider to pass judgment on a wife’s acts or reasons than it was for an honest effort at understanding what happened and how it related to their needs.

Although you may want a simple answer to affairs, they are not always apparent. Trying to understand what occurred takes effort. Some husbands only want to know which donkey to pin the tail of blame on. You may want to know who is to blame. Blaming does not translate to understanding your wife. Understanding the motives for your wife’s affair involves more than merely identifying where to put the blame. You will need to know their fears, needs, motivations and self-image issues.

Recovering from an affair: What Should I do?

If you are faced with recovery from an affair, or some other form of cheating, either as the wife or the husband, it is important that you accept your spouse. What was done was not acceptable, but they are acceptable. Your wife is worthy of love, what she did was not acceptable. Making such a distinction requires separating “who” they are from “what” they do.

1. -Separate WHO from WHAT

You will need to separate the person from their performance. Recovery from an affair presents challenges, yet it is not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. An affair does not automatically mean that the marriage is over. It does mean that the marriage needs some help.

2. -Cheating does not mean the marriage is over

There are many resources designed to help couples recover from affairs. Using those resources along with counselors who want to see your relationship recover will be important. It is important for those seeking help to decide if they are seeking help to repair the relationship or make the ending of it more amenable. Confusing the two often makes marriage counseling chaotic and confusing.

Two of the more dangerous practices often associated with affairs are ‘polarized thinking’ and ‘catastrophizing’. Each of these practices create dissension and increase the alienation present in the relationship.

In ‘polarized thinking’, the affair is looked at as ‘all good’ or in most cases ‘all bad’. The danger is that the affair is not only seen as bad, but also the person and many aspects about them. When polarized thinking kicks in people throw out the baby with the bath water. Such extreme thinking makes reconciliation and recovery difficult if not impossible. Such thinking may reinforce one parties control, but does little to create an atmosphere of unity between the spouses.

When a spouse views the affair as ‘catastrophic’ either to the marriage or their world, there is an increased danger of revenge or paybacks. Revenge and paybacks either toward the spouse or their lover often have tragic endings and do little to improve the marriage. If recovery from an affair is what is desired, it will be important to recognize that the affair is neither the end of the world or the end of the marriage.

3. –Listen to her

When you talk, make it a point to listen to them. Try to understand what they are struggling with, what their needs are, and what their fears are. Once you know those items, take action on them. Rather than listen and do nothing, address those items. Better yet, LISTEN more than you talk. If you talk more than you listen to them…you are not listening, you’re likely lecturing.

4.-Repair broken promises

If you have promised things to your wife, you need to address those items. Yes, they broke the wedding vows. It is likely that their breaking of the vows was a reaction to a broken promise on your part. Find out if they believe you have not kept your promises to them or disappointed them. Once you know what those promises are, do something about it.

5.-Show interest in who they are.

It is imperative, in winning back your wife, that you show an interest in her, and not only in what you can get out of her. She may test you to see what your true motives and interests are. By making everything about sex, you will fail the test. They want to be accepted by you.

6. Purchase and Use the Affair Recovery Workshop.

This Self-Paced program gives you and your spouse the opportunity to work on affair recovery within your own home. The program addresses self-care, ways of improving communication, improving confrontation skills, enhancing intimacy and breaking family patterns associated with affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah