A topic that came up recently in an email concerned a couple struggling with frequent arguments. Arguments are common with couples who experienced an affair.
The arguments are another symptom of communication and connection issues within their marriage. On the surface, it would be easy to say they’re experiencing ‘communication problems’.
Saying that the two of you have ‘communication problems’ sounds smoother than admitting that there are still grudges and trust issues. Although grudges, trust and game playing are more honest, they sound bad.
Yes, they are having communication issues, although there’s more to it. There are underlying reasons for the arguing. There are reasons they are not connecting with each other.
In their case, the affair was seven years before. Although seven years seems like a long time to for an affair to continue impacting their relationship, it does.
For the cheater, the affair may be considered done and resolved. For the betrayed, each time they replay the affair in their mind, they re-experience the traumatizing effects.
For some betrayed spouses, their emotions are so raw, the affair could have happened yesterday. With some couples, the effects of the affair lasts decades after the original triggering incident.
Situations like this tell me that their affair recovery was incomplete. They haven’t worked through the issues leading up to the affair in the first place. They only dealt with the symptoms of the problem rather than the root cause.
When you assume that symptom relief means the problem is over, you’re making a mistake. This is especially true with affairs.
For the cheater, the affair was their solution to a problem in your marriage relationship.
If you and your spouse haven’t resolved the root problem, it’s only going to be a matter of time before it resurfaces again. You’ve found ways of moving past the affair, yet haven’t resolved the root cause of the affair.
If this sounds like an issue that your marriage struggles with, you’ll want to consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. With membership, you have access to affair recovery videos, including “Getting Past the Affair Crisis” where I go into greater detail about identifying and resolving the root problem.
It could be that the root problems in your marriage were never taken care of.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
