Growing up, there were times I went to carnivals at the local Piggly Wiggly store parking lot. Looking back, they were small, yet at the time, they seemed large to me.
The lights, sounds, and smells fascinated me. Being at the carnival amounted to being in another world. It was a welcome departure from daily routine.
One of the things I enjoyed were the fun house mirrors. I was fascinated by the distorted images produced. I had not grown taller or shorter, but the images in the mirrors did. (I was also fascinated by the changes brought by helium balloons, but that’s another story).
Looking back on those times, I realize that when you start with a distorted or broken mirror, you get distorted or broken images. The simple truth is “strange mirrors give you strange images.”
This observation vividly illustrates a discussion I had with a poster on the blog. Our views of marriage, morals, fear and love are worlds apart.
Like the fun house mirror, when you start with a distorted definition, you end up with distorted conclusions. He viewed relationships as solely about him getting his needs and desires met.
Starting with a warped view of marriage, gives you a warped relationship.
I thought to myself that if all you are concerned with are your own desires and their gratification, it doesn’t give you a solid foundation for a healthy marriage. There was no room in his definition for loyalty, commitment or sacrifice as part of his definition of marriage.
When you and your spouse have vastly different images of marriage, finding common ground poses a challenge. When you and your spouse each think your view is the ‘correct’ view, yet the two of you never discuss what your different views are, there will be disappointments ahead.
Each of you is molding and shaping your marriage into that mental image of what it “should be” in your head. When each of you are taking things a different direction, it makes for a mess.
In this situation each of you has expectations that shape your view of your marriage, each other, and your sex life. When those expectations are never discussed, but instead assumed, the two of you will miss each other.
You may find yourself frustrated with how things are, yet find yourself at a loss for the reason. It could be that one or both of you has some distorted views of marriage and what a spouse is supposed to do.
Those distorted views become sources of conflict. Rather than working on your marriage together the two of you are each seeking ways of bending the marriage to fit your own expectations.
The good news is that this can change. With some help the two of you can open up communication with each other. It could be that the two of you were never taught some of the important skills you need.
It could be that one or both of you grew lazy over the years and took many things for granted.
It could be that an affair or extensive involvement with pornography has distorted the image of marriage in unhealthy ways.
These situations can be remedied with improvements in your marital communication. Yes, people do change as they connect in meaningful ways. Getting real with each other and talking changes each of you.
Communication is a skill you can improve. Your marriage communication can improve. In the download ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’ you can learn ways of opening up with each other in ways that bring positive change.
Best Regards,
Jeff
