When I first started my private practice, I had the opportunity to meet with Sandy Pannett, another therapist. We would have regular meetings where we discussed the challenges we faced and how we were helping our clients. During one of these meetings, Sandy suggested that I try watching TV with the sound off to improve my ability to focus on non-verbal cues, especially when working with sex addicts. I was initially unsure about this idea, but I decided to give it a try.
To my surprise, this suggestion opened my eyes to a whole new level of awareness. Once I started paying attention to non-verbal gestures, I began noticing things I hadn’t seen before. Behaviors that were once shrouded in secrecy now became clear as day. Small gestures gave them away.
I started observing the differences between normal social behaviors and those of sex addicts. What gave me even more confidence was that when I shared my observations with Sandy, she validated them. It completely changed the way I looked at TV shows.
I discovered where trust issues lay and who struggled with sexual addictions. It became evident which couples truly trusted each other and which ones were merely going through the motions. In a way, it confirmed why people say “actions speak louder than words.” In this case, the behaviors associated with sexual addiction were impossible to ignore.
Noticing these non-verbal gestures helped me uncover many issues that were not being discussed openly. Even some of those displaying these behaviors were unaware of what they were communicating. This memory of Sandy’s suggestion recently came back to me when I was working with some couples whose marriages began with affairs. Even after 20 or 25 years, these couples are still together. They claim that things are going well, but their non-verbal gestures tell a different story.
Words can be deceiving, but non-verbal cues reveal the truth. Actions speak volumes about where someone’s heart truly lies. I was astonished to see that even after all those years, the denial surrounding their affairs remained strong. It seemed that the stories they had told themselves about the affairs had become deeply ingrained beliefs. They had repeated these stories so many times that they actually believed them.
The non-verbal messages conveyed mistrust, fear, and control issues. Instead of finding fulfillment in their marriages, they turned to their jobs or hobbies. Their marriages had become a platform for sharing their achievements with each other. It struck me as peculiar how they had once centered their lives around their lover, but now they built their worlds around their work and other interests. It was as if they had stopped being a couple.
They no longer seemed to enjoy each other’s company; instead, they merely socialized and went through the motions at special occasions like Thanksgiving or Christmas. They even slept in separate bedrooms, although they still shared the same house out of convenience.
Their lover had turned into a mere roommate, while their true passions and hearts were elsewhere. I learned not to trust what they told me with their words. The real messages were conveyed through their non-verbal gestures.
Rebuilding trust, particularly for the betrayed spouse, has been a long-term project. Those who betrayed their spouse struggle with whether or not they can ever be trusted again. After all, their words and actions did not align in the beginning, so why should anyone believe them now?
If your marriage is plagued by mistrust, even if you try to convince yourself that everything is fine, I highly recommend watching the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” Your body and gut instinct know whether or not there is genuine trust in your marriage. Your non-verbal gestures may reveal more about the state of your marriage than what you’ve been telling yourself.
Take care,
Jeff
