Between her sobs, she asked “Why can’t I get past this?” After a pause, Amy shared all the ways she tried moving on that didn’t work.
Her husband often asked her “Why can’t you just let go of what happened?” Although his questions were sincere, they often left her more frustrated. He already apologized, asked for forgiveness and everything he could think of. Despite all his efforts, Amy remains stuck in the affair.
For Amy, the affair is a continuous loop of instant replays. She continues rehashing everything in her mind. She knows what happened, but can’t let go. Despite reading all the books on affairs, she is stuck. Intellectually, Amy knows she needs to move ahead, yet emotionally she can’t.
When Amy came to me, she was desperate. She was hurting and wanted some relief.
I let her finish telling me all the things she tried, which didn’t work. After another pause, I responded, “The answer is in the question“.
She looked up with a puzzled appearance. “What do you mean?”
“You find what you’re looking for. The questions you ask shape what your mind looks for. ” I continued, “You keep asking ‘why‘. Those questions keep you focused on the past”.
Amy had never heard how ‘why’ questions focused on the past. After explaining to her how the questions shape what your mind looks for, she expressed bewilderment. (I explain this further in “Why wasn’t I enough?”)
She finally realized she had been looking in the wrong place for her answers. The very questions she was asking were limiting her answers. “The ‘why’ question keeps you looking and locked into the past. Looking at the past when you’re trying to move forward puts you in a double-bind“.
“Your body and heart go in the direction you point them. Focusing on the past takes you to the past.”
Amy began exploring the matter of the affair with other questions. As she did, she discovered answers to what she was looking for. She discovered a simple miracle question and quit asking “Why can’t I get past this?”
The new question shifted her focus. She shifted her thinking and focus toward the future. She now looks at ways of moving forward. In changing her question, she discovers new answers.
Now she concerns herself with ways of making her marriage work, rather than tormenting herself with why it went wrong.
Best Regards,
Jeff
