There were times growing up when I was told not to do some things because “It ain’t natural“. There were some situations and behaviors frowned upon due to them being outside the natural order of things. “That’s not how things work” was another common sentence for these situations.
The advice was too simple and non-specific for me at that time. It seemed flimsy to me. Although I was given this admonition, there were times I dismissed that counsel, viewing it as not in keeping with the times.
During the sixties and seventies, such counsel wasn’t considered modern or progressive. At those times, people stated, “It’s 1973″ and then did what they wanted, whether it was natural or not.
It’s only decades later I see the wisdom behind the admonition of “It ain’t natural”. Had I listened to it some of the stress that comes with unnatural situations would have been avoided.
One place where that admonition would have helped concerns affairs in blended families. When an affair blows up a blended family, it creates tensions and loyalties bonds that ‘ain’t natural’.
You’re torn between being in the parent role and natural family bonds. Which one should you weigh more heavily? Who should you be loyal to?
Affairs create enough tensions and loyalty problems. In blended families, these tensions are compounded by the fault lines of old wounds and weak loyalties already in place. This can lead to a veritable minefield of problems.
It ain’t natural for a step-parent to have to deal with the fallout of an affair their partner had before they even met. It ain’t natural for children to have to take sides between their biological parent and step-parent. It ain’t natural for grandparents to have to watch their child’s family fall apart.
A new affair is like pouring lighter fluid on a fire. The flames of tensions and loyalties are fanned to the point that sometimes you don’t know how to deal with burning embers, smoke and ashes.
You’ve got wounded people wrestling with new wounds and hurts filled with rejection or abandonment issues.
One unnatural situation is when you and the cheater disagree on how to tell what have become your children about the affair. This is an unnatural situation because you have to check your parental prerogatives at the door. The cheater steps into the parent role because he or she has created new relationships with the stepchildren and/or their mother.
If you tell them the truth, they’ll be hurt. If you lie to them, you destroy trust. There is no way of winning such situations.
An affair puts your marriage and your position in an unnatural bind.
Being in any unnatural situation brings unnatural stress and tension. You’re pulled in ways that no parent should ever be. You love your children, but in this situation, you can’t treat them like they are your own.
There are limits put on what you can do and say that turn the unnatural situation into a no-win nightmare.
There are no good options. The options you want to choose are now off limits to you. As my dad would have said about such situations, “I’ve looked at all the options, and they all suck.”
Even simple questions now pose tough challenges.
Do you do what’s morally right?
Do you do what will save your marriage?
Do you keep peace in the family?
Do you speak the plain truth and let the pieces fall where they may?
What could have been worked out is not solvable in the current situation. Unsolvable problems are more stressful than the solvable ones. They are the ones you just have to find a situation you can live with.
The hard truth is that some situations don’t have pleasant solutions.
This is when you need a place to go to share and discuss things. You need somewhere to go just to vent and mentally work through the situation.
I’ve recently had some spaces open up in my schedule for consultations. Email me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for times and rates.
When you’re in a situation filled with unnatural binds and traps, you’ll need help getting through it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
