Perfectionists make me nervous. I had a family member who was a perfectionist. Anytime you visited her home, you felt as if you were under inspection and visiting a museum at the same time. I could never relax there. I felt as if I were walking on eggshells.
Everything in her home was pristine, from the white carpet to the various dust-free objects on display and multiple ‘no smoking’ signs. The message was clear, the cleanliness of her home was a higher priority than you feeling at ease.
I don’t recall her ever saying “make yourself at home”.
She didn’t want you to make yourself at home. Instead, she wanted you to respect its pristine condition. It was a preserved masterpiece.
I liked her, yet visiting her was more akin to an examination than visitation. In her home, everything had a place. That place was also tagged and organized.
In such surroundings, everything is tense and follows proper protocol. There was no room to be human or make mistakes.
Perfection comes at a cost. If you are perfect, then others must be equally perfect.
Conversely, the Jenga principle recognizes that nothing is ideal and perfection is unobtainable.
Like the game, Jenga, you find that things can work, even when they aren’t perfect. You find what will balance things out, even if it looks unstable.
The Jenga principle also points out the importance of workable relationships rather than perfect ones.
This brings me to affair recovery. I know you want recovery from what happened.
In seeking affair recovery, ‘Is your main focus recovery or perfection?’
If you’re expecting perfection for yourself or the cheater, you’re in for disappointments and tense relations. The perfect, pristine marriage is something only found in fairy tales and picture books.
In real life, recovery from an affair is messy. It also won’t go exactly like the books say it will.
Real life has many steps both forward and backwards. Progress for real couples is filled with ups and downs.
I raise this question because many spouses expect perfection from the cheater. The cheater feels the performance anxiety in such cases. That anxiety brings more tension into your home.
Just because the cheater isn’t doing everything the books says they’re supposed to do doesn’t mean recovery is failing. They may be working, just not according to the standards of perfection.
This kind of expectation leads to the behavior becoming more important than the attitude. If the cheater is doing all the right things in terms of observable behavior, all is well.
What’s really important is their attitude and thinking. These determine what happens more than perfectly following behavioral prescriptions. It’s also important for recovery that you accept your spouse, even when they’re less than perfect.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“, you’ll learn ways of opening up your communication and bypassing their defenses without the pressure that comes with expecting perfection. In the workshop, one of the topics addressed is expectations and how they impact your marriage.
When your focus is on recovery, both of you can feel better about your marriage and the direction you all are headed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
