Daryl slyly said “Fundamentalism is the tie that chokes and binds”. He often made snarky remarks. At the time, I thought he was being snarky again. Daryl often used zingers as a way of getting under my skin.
I often considered it just his ‘yankee’ way of needling me. He often used his brashness as a way of shaking things up and trying to rattle my cage. He always saved such comments for when we were in the back rooms of hospitals charting.
Although I’d never thought about how his little comments, like “…the tie that chokes and binds” applies to affairs before, it’s becoming clearer now. I’ve found that there are often nuggets of golden wisdom all around us when you consider them.
I recalled his comment on remembering his passing six years ago this month. I talked to him on the phone just a couple of weeks prior to his death.
The part of his statement that stands out is “..the tie that chokes and binds”. That portions contains an important nugget worth a second look.
Yesterday, I addressed “Why can’t I get past this?” The difficulties getting past an affair are numerous and need days of blog posts in dealing with them. The “..ties that choke and bind” is one of them.
You may be one of those that are holding onto the affair so tightly, that it chokes the life out of what’s left of your marriage. Yes, you’re bound to your spouse on many levels. News of the affair is shocking. That news likely has you considering and doing things you wouldn’t normally consider.
The shock is so jarring, part of you may grab the affair matter and choke it. This is a natural reaction. You were shocked, so you now want to throttle something. Since you can’t throttle your spouse or the lover, you instead choke the affair.
For some reason choking and affairs are connected. Perhaps it’s the underlying efforts of controlling people and what they say. Choking is often associated with anger.
You poke, prod and question every detail. You obsess over what happened, to the point where it’s suffocating. Even after apologies are made and forgiveness is given, you still obsess. You said you forgave the matter, yet you never let go of it. Your spouse may tell you they can’t breathe or need space or that they feel smothered. If they are telling you those things, you are ‘choking’ your marriage.
You use the bonds that tie you to your spouse to keep dealing with the affair. I understand the need for rehearsing events until you can let go. There also comes a time when you have punished too much and obsessed the life out of your marriage.
When each conversation is about the affair, or some aspect of it long after it ended and your spouse has recommitted to you, there are problems. Each time you revisit the affair, you breath life back into it. You also push your spouse a little further away.
The ties that were meant to hold you together are now used in bringing your spouse to you in order to emotionally beat them up. At this point, it becomes the ‘ties that choke and bind’.
Best Regards,
Jeff
