Several years ago I observed that elderly people generally don’t want to hear about the wrong doings of other elderly people. It is as if they collude together and deny that an elderly person could do horrid things.
That observation stayed with me over time. I had thought it was a phenomena limited to the elderly, but have since learned otherwise. This same colluding often occurs concerning affairs.
This colluding makes it difficult to deal with the affair situation. The colluding sometimes involves the adulterers family.
In such cases, they all deny or minimize what occurred. I have also seen collusion associated with work associates, peers, or communities.
The power of that united front is strong. It can leave you wondering if you are the one going crazy or that you’re the only one who sees what’s wrong.
It may seem as if all men or all women support their own during these times. I have not seen the collusion spread to every member of a gender, although it can feel that way.
In some cases they may be covering for the adulterer, they may be trying to avoid conflict or they may be in denial about some of their own issues. The reasons for the collusion varies from group to group and situation to situation.
Those involved in the collusion behave as if their were an alliance between them. They may even believe that what they are doing is ‘helpful’.
In dealing with these colluding alliances, remember that ‘they’ are not the enemy. They weren’t the one who were unfaithful to you. I recognize that they’re not helping, which is aggravating.
It’s difficult accepting that others have trouble accepting the reality of your spouse’s affair as well. You may have just woke up to what’s really going on sooner than they have.
The colluding alliances are part of family dynamics. They certainly play a part in affair recovery, yet are not the one that cheated on you.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, one of the issues addressed are these relationship dynamics and ways of dealing with them.
Without some guidance, it can feel like walking into a hornet’s nest.
Best Regards,
Jeff
