A couple of years ago, I read an interview by former Senator Gary Hart. Since I’ve been around a while I knew the significance of who he was and his importance in politics.
During the interview he was asked about whether he had an affair as had been reported 30 years ago. His response to the question was “It’s nobody’s business.” He still refuses discussing it, even though the event occurred three decades ago.
He considered the reporter ‘out of line’ for even asking the question. He went on to say “ “Look: Character, which got to be the key word, is demonstrated over a lifetime, and I’ll put my life up against anybody’s in terms of a sound character — that’s all I can say.”
If Gary was a Joe six pack kind of guy, he’d be right. Whether or not he cheated on his wife is ‘nobody’s business’ in terms of the public. It is, of course his wife’s business.
When you’re a public figure, what you do, what you say and your loyalties do matter. When a public figure, your life becomes a public concern. This includes affairs, luggage theft, and episodes of fraud.
The question is not about an affair thirty years ago. The question is about character.
When you are in the public eye, your character matters or used to matter. People want to know that they can trust you and that you will act with integrity.
I know some of my fellow therapists disagree with me on that, especially those who hocking books condoning affairs while making people happy, even though it hurts others in the process.
The interview illustrated that even 30 years later, affairs still foul your reputation. The reports of an affair move from being headline items over time.
Even though they’re no longer front-page news, they have a long tail that follows the cheater around. This stain remains with you no matter how many news cycles have passed.
Even when a cheater changes their ways and leads and exemplary life afterwards, the shadow of the affair remains. It follows you around from then on.
Senator Gary Hart is an illustration of the long tail of an affair. Affairs are still toxic, even years later. Consider how rumors of President Thomas Jefferson’s affair is still a concern centuries after he’s been out of office.
With some public figures, there’s even a backlash for daring to mention their affairs. There are some Presidents, Vice-Presidents and Civil Rights figures you aren’t allowed to even discuss their affairs. The most hateful emails I ever received was after I pointed out the affairs of a cherished sports celebrity.
While it is understandable that people want to protect their privacy, when you are in the public eye, your private life is part of the public concern. Gary Hart’s response to the question about his affair illustrated why Affairs are still toxic, even years later.
Affairs have a long-lasting impact because they damage trust and confidence. They destroy any moral role modeling for your children.
When denial is that strong even decades later, it says something about the staying power of the affair secret. Think of it in terms of how you’re not allowed to even bring it up decades later.
The long tail of the affair is even more of an issue with the popularity of the internet and social media. Although your affair is ‘in the past’, the internet can bring it to life again with a few clicks.
When the time comes for discussing an affair with your spouse, do you know what to bring up? Do you know how to address the topic without being distracted by high drama?
Rather than have to guess or use trial and error in finding your way, you can instead download the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’ and gain answers on dealing with it, even if it happened years ago.
Not talking about the affair doesn’t mean it’s over or that it’s no longer toxic. If anything, refusing to discuss it says that the Affair secret has more power on your marital communication than you thought.
What you can and can’t discuss is still being controlled by the Affair. Instead of continue acting like all is well, try taking action on actually making things better.
Click and download the workshop today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
