With affair recovery, you’ll face the questions of pain. There are several questions associated with pain you will face in recovery. How you end up dealing with them shapes how things go in recovery.
The first is whether you facing the pain or avoiding the pain. This is a big stumbling block. You often hear “I didn’t want to hurt you”. What they’re really saying is “I want to avoid pain”.
Those making the choice of avoiding pain may say they’re keeping you from the hurt. In reality, they’re keeping themselves from hurting. When they don’t face pain, it keeps pain from you as well.
They haven’t learned the best way out of pain it through it. This is true in addictions and it’s true in affair recovery. The pains which are avoided are issues which are never resolved.
Which would you rather have, some pain with resolved issues or no issues resolved and an avoidance of pain?
There is the question of phantom pain versus real pain. Phantom pains are the imagined discomforts that may happen. Some of those who avoid dealing with pain have embellished the ‘phantom pain’ so much that facing it is worse than avoiding it.
You also have the issue of whether or not to talk about the pain. Some couples avoid discussing painful topics. In some cases, it’s about not wanting to face it, and in others, they don’t have the vocabulary or ability of discussing pain.
Rather than discuss painful matters, when a painful topic is brought up, they quickly change topics or develop symptoms diverting the conversation.
Pain signals that ‘change is needed’. Pain alerts you to areas of your life or your marriage that need help. Much like bodily pain alerts you to potential problems. Your emotional pain also alerts you to things needing attention.
When you work out a great deal, you learn the difference between good pains and bad pains. When you work on your relationship, you’ll also learn what are the good kinds of pain and what are the bad kinds.
In working through pain, you gain valuable experience in handling unpleasant situations. One lesson you’ll learn is how pain is often used as a way of hiding other issues. It’s easier saying something is painful than to work through it.
Working through questions of pain requires identifying what kind of pain it is, along with its source. Pain is a message. Discovering ways of decoding and understanding the message starts the process.
The next part of working through the pain is discerning what changes are needed. In some cases, you’ll eliminate or reduce the pain. In other cases, you’ll face one of the other the questions of pain, “How much pain can I live with?”
The longer you tolerate pain without working through it, the worse it’ll become.
Perhaps your pain is telling you to take action. We have resources here that can help you take action in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
