You may wonder what’s the connection between internalized shame, sexual abuse and affairs? The connection between them is ‘shame’.
When you internalize shame, you begin feeling dirty, damaged or flawed. Some therapists refer to ‘internalized shame’ as toxic shame.
The source of that shame may be early childhood sexual abuse, a previous affair or even previous promiscuity. Some researchers claim that verbal and non-verbal messages of being unwanted by your parents contribute to such shame. When behaviors like these are not resolved, they can turn into internalized shame.
Shame is a sensation you put on yourself. Although you may blame someone else for what happened, you’re still left carrying the shame part of what happened. Shame doesn’t play fair. It’s not fair that you struggle with it or that your the one carrying it.
You may have been an innocent victim. Although you may have not been at fault, shame is no respecter of responsibility. Shame blames YOU.
You may not have caused the problem or the issue behind it, yet you find yourself having to deal with it.
Shame coats you in slime and reminds you of what you did or what happened to you. When is stays on you long enough, it leaves scars. Those scars often lead you to devalue yourself.
One of the bad things about shame is that others, including your spouse may pick up on it. Although a spouse should protect your vulnerabilities, or there are some spouses who don’t.
Those little secrets you share expose your vulnerabilities. When exploiters discover the vulnerability of your shame, they exploit it. They often use your shame as a trigger they activate.
Shame is also exploited by organizations. Churches, social groups and social movements often use your shame as a trigger. Organizations often exploit internalized shame in keeping you attending and motivating you. Even when they motivate you in a good direction, that motivation may finds exploitation at its core.
On a personal level, exploiters may trigger your internalized shame as a way of engaging in sexual acts or making you do things you don’t feel comfortable doing. With just a few derogatory terms like “You know you’re a ______, and you want it” or “You’re a bad girl/boy and I know it” or “No one will ever love someone like you. You’re a _______.”
Once they discover your shame trigger, they may turn it on or off as they please. It becomes a way of controlling and manipulating you. The internalized shame works against you.
It agrees with the name calling and dances when the trigger is pressed. It may even be used in shutting you up.
Another problem with shame is that you may find yourself seeking out self-destructive behaviors. The search for the self-destructive may include drug abuse, overeating, smoking, cutting on themselves or sexual acting out. With some, the push toward self-destruction includes suicidal ideation.
This is because the inner world seeks out validation in the external world. If there is an ugly stain or soiling on the inside, your mind may seek out a way of staining or soiling yourself on the outside.
You may have done your best at covering the internalized shame with cleanliness, control perfectionism and criticism. Those behaviors hide, but don’t eliminate the shame.
The shame needs to be dealt with. As long as it remains, you’re vulnerable. The internal shame does not have to stay there. You can move past what happened. We have resources that help with that.
Best Regards,
Jeff
