A distraught wife wrote concerning her situation. Her husband is caught up in an emotional affair with a co-worker. He tells her he still loves her yet now has feelings for the other woman as well. (BTW, the other woman at his work is also married).
In discussing the mess he created, he told his wife “I never went looking for it!” The wife is unsure how to handle her present situation.
He also told her he wants to work at their marriage, yet needs time to sort things out.
His statement about not looking for it is worth noting. He’s saying he’s not at fault. While it may be true he wasn’t consciously looking for “it” (whatever it is), on some level he made himself vulnerable.
Some relationships are affairs of opportunity. Although he may not have looked for it, he nurtured it.
Relationships don’t move forward or grow closer without intention. Relationships don’t cross boundaries unless you let them.
A more honest answer would be that he gave into his emotional neediness with her. At some level, he let her into his heart and made himself vulnerable with her. He made the situation worse when he chased after the OW with an expensive gift.
He could have a need for admiration from someone like her or other blind spot need. She could have exploited him and taken advantage, although at some level, he entertained the idea. He also allowed the relationship to grow.
He may not have initially looked for it, but after their first encounter he went back. If that’s not looking for it, I don’t know what is.
His chasing after her only contributed further to the illicit relationship. In continuing the relationship, he empowered it, regardless of how it began.
His excuse is his way of denying responsibility for allowing another woman to get too close. Not only get close, he allowed the mess to continue growing beyond what he thought he could control.
His ego is keeping him from admitting the truth about his situation and his need for urgency. He says he wants to work at his marriage, but I wonder if he wants to have a work wife and a home wife as well.
How would you handle this situation?
If you make the choice of giving him more time or allow his irresponsibility to continue, you’re not ready for the work of affair recovery. On the other hand, if you’re of the opinion that he needs accountability and needs to do something today, then you’re ready for the work of affair recovery.
Part of your recovery includes seeing through the excuses and deceptions. If you want more help, consider downloading the Affair Recovery Workshop. The sessions in the workshop cover the areas you need additional help in as part of recovering from the affair.
The workshop guides you through ways of changing communication and the dynamics of your relationship. Rather than endless fights, you can instead have ways of getting your spouse’s attention and making changes to how the two of you solve problems.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
