Although it is not often talked about, have you considered the role played by ‘the fear of missing out’ plays in affairs? Although it is not often mentioned as a primary motivation, it is often there in the background.
My wife brought the topic of ‘the fear of missing out’ to my attention. Surprisingly, this fear is known in popular culture as FoMO. Although I had heard of the pop culture term, I was well aware of the power of this fear. Although I have heard of YOLO, the term FoMO was not familiar. In popular culture, FOMO is often used in reference to when people fear that they are missing out on social media activities.
When my wife mentioned this FoMO to me, I soon thought about Michael. His face and his situation was one driven by the fear of missing out. Although other stories came to mind as well, his stood out since he did not want to ‘miss out’. That fear of missing out is often a hidden driving force behind bad decisions surrounding affairs.
Michael found himself in a situation where he was the lover of a couple of married women. Although he did not approve of affairs when he was married, after his marriage ended, he changed his views on adultery. Michael was no Richard Gere, American gigolo wanna’ be or look alike. He is an average looking middle age male. He just happened to be available and feared missing out on an opportunity when it came his way.
His views really changed when some of the married women he worked with came onto him. They began seeking him out. When he as a single guy found attractive married women coming onto him, he did not want to miss out on an opportunity like that so, he took advantage of the situation. He told me, “I just couldn’t say no to such an opportunity.”
Micheal had not been ‘on the prowl’ or seeking out the women. They sought him out. Since they worked together, he was readily available. Oddly enough, they did not want to leave their marriages, they just wanted so see what they were ‘missing out’ on, and Micheal was right there in front of them. They were secure in their marriages, so Micheal represented some low hanging forbidden fruit. They just had to find out what they were missing.
Some people find it hard resisting what appears to be good deals. Whether it be real estate, clothing stores, retail outlets, or mattress stores. On the surface, they want a good deal, yet what is really driving them is the fear of missing out. It is not by accident that salesmen talk about quantities being limited or limited time offers. They know that the real power is not the joy a a good deal, but instead, the fear of missing out.
That same fear is what was driving Michael and his situations with the adultresses.
Michael and the mistresses each wanted to taste the forbidden fruit driven by the ‘fear of what they were missing out’ on. There are more affairs than I would like to count that begin with fears that they might be missing out on something, so they take risks on an affair. In some cases, the opportunity comes along and they do not want to miss out on something that appears as a ‘sure thing’.
When fear is in the background, it begins pushing and driving people in ways they never imagined. Although it is often behind their actions, it is seldom talked about openly.
Fear is an intriguing emotion in others ways as well. When you experience it, you mind quits thinking. It has a way of shutting down all processing and thinking through. When fear puts its claws in you, it takes over. Fear is also a topic that few want to discuss openly, since if you admit to it, you are vulnerable and vulnerability is something that many people do not want to admit.
So when you are discussing the affair, you may hear that they could not help themselves, that they were not thinking, or some other excuse. When that happens, you may want to consider asking whether they were ‘afraid they might be missing out’ on something. You will need to ask ‘”hat where you afraid you might miss out on?” in a direct manner. If you ask, “What were afraid of?” or “Was fear part of your decision making?”, they will likely deny any role of fear.
The fear of missing out on something often hides behind other motives. That is why you have to ask about it directly.
By changing the question, you will change the dialogue and may be surprised at what you discover.
Best Regards,
Jeff
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