The other day I came across the term ‘serial monogamy‘. Since this is now a popular cultural term and practice, it needs some clarification.
I must warn you that the topic may step on the toes of some pastors and churches that condone affairs.
I first encountered serial monogamy when I questioned the pastor I was under about the passages (Titus 1:6) in the Bible about a pastor being required required to be married to one woman. He claimed that the husband of one wife requirement actually means ‘being married to one woman at a time’. His comment struck me as odd at the time.
I’ve since learned that many pastors run from this topic. Those that deal with it have come up with a WIDE variety of answers on what is meant in that passage ranging from no marriage to up to eight marriages being allowed. I initially that that it was perhaps connected with him no longer being in his first marriage.
His interpretation bothered me, yet at that time I wasn’t sure why. Over time, it became clear what bothered me about it.
His comment amounted to an endorsement of what is now known ‘serial monogamy’ or ‘polygany’. What bothers me about it is that there is little difference between serial dating and serial monogamy.
With each, you go through a series of relationships, yet they are not considered serial, since you’re with one person at a time. Although it seems a convoluted logic to me, it make perfect sense to others.
In my ‘eureka’ moment, I suddenly realized that what bothered me was that line of thinking is the ‘high school dating scene (including the sex)’ with a do-over.
Instead of dating people one at a time, with serial monogamy, you marry people one at a time. It’s the same mindset in a different package. This kind of thinking shares much in common with love addicts.
The love addict goes from relationship to relationship seeking ‘love’. The difference here is the amount of commitment.
In the serial relationship world, when you grow tired of who you’re dating or who you’re married to, you move on. There are even pastors and teachers who will role model this for you.
Like looking for a new car, you’re constantly looking for a newer model, one that’s faster or sexier or more secure model or lower maintenance model or whatever quality is in vogue. Rather than work through problems in your marriage, you find a new one.
You assume it’s easier divorcing and re-marrying than working through the problems in your marriage, even though the same problems show in in the subsequent marriages.
With this kind of thinking, a prostitute can be considered as having stable relationships since they only happen one at a time. When this kind of ‘street walker’ thinking comes into churches, it turns into a popularly accepted theology.
When you have a serial monogamy theology, you avoid feeling guilty for sleeping around. It doesn’t matter how many men or women you’ve been with, since they were only one at a time.
This way, you have affairs without calling them affairs. You can sleep with several men or women and not feel guilt about it since you were married to them one at a time. It legitimized having a ‘ love ’em and leave ’em’ mindset.
Healing still means needing to deal with the affair issues. Broken relationships and marriages leave scars.
This includes healing from serial monogamy issues as well. When the affair is addressed, the issues of forgiveness, connection and intimacy are improved.
When you sleep around, even with serial monogamy, it effects you. This is where products like the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” can help you overcome the problems associated with serial monogamy.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
