A few years ago, I conducted the Affair Recovery Survey. The results both excited and challenged me.
It’s one thing when you work with clients and see patterns. In conducting a survey, I saw the ‘bigger picture’ of what’s happening when it comes to affairs.
The responses regarding homicidal ideation and suicidal ideation associated with affairs alerted me to how bad some of you are hurting. The hurt is intense and deep.
The results also alerted me to the issue of violence in many of your marriages, especially those where affairs are present.
On one level, some of you express concern about the cheater being angry, along with wanting to know what makes them that way. Anger is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to affairs.
When those of you who are hurting finally open up in an honest straight forward manner, I hear about hitting and choking, which is way beyond occasional slaps and pinches. The hitting is closed fist and the choking is both hands on the throat. Choking shows up quite a bit.
My survey didn’t address hitting and choking, but I will be asking it in the next one. It distresses me that I hear about choking and violence with more frequency in marriages.
Choking signals that your marriage is in trouble. When choking enters the picture, especially in the bedroom, violence and sex have been connected. When those two connect, your marriage has crossed a line.
Although you hear about crossing lines, there are few people who let you know what those lines are. I’m letting you know that choking is a major line. Once crossed, your marriage is in dangerous and uncharted territory.
You may say, “but it makes the orgasms more intense!” That intensity is a violent one.
When the passion is on that intensive level, your mind confuses intensity, violence and sex. How do you know your spouse will stop when their feelings are that intense?
When the boundaries of your physical safety are not respected, any boundaries about the relational safety of your marriage are in danger, if they haven’t been crossed already.
Besides being a major safety concern, choking sends strong messages of unhealthy control issues. When you feel the need to choke your spouse, your marriage needs help NOW.
Although some movies make it look exciting, it’s dangerous and a sign you shouldn’t ignore like the pesky dashboard lights. This is a major flashing red light and siren kind of sign!
Speaking of choking, this is one of the reasons I stress the importance of safety in the Affair Recovery Workshop, including showing you ways of improving the emotional safety of your home. When choking is present, your home isn’t safe and I can guarantee that the two of you don’t have healthy marital communication.
When violence enters your marriage, healthy communication promptly flies out the window. Whatever is left of communication is nothing more than talking points. Even though you may dismiss it as ‘just shoving’ or ‘just a few bruises’ or ‘it was a minor cut’, they all indicate that things are out of control.
When violence is used in making you do things or making your spouse do things, communication has broken down. It’s a flashing warning alerting you that your marriage needs help NOW.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
