One of the questions you will face in dealing with the affair is determining what is real and what is not real. On the surface such a question sounds simple, yet in today’s culture and especially when you are faced with an affair such a simple question is not so simple to answer.
When faced with an affair, your mind is probably not thinking straight. Simple things are no longer so simple. You may even find yourself dealing with the question of whether or not there was an affair. Although you know that one happened, your spouse may be so convincing in their argument that they have you doubting whether there was an affair.
If it is not your spouse trying to convince you that there was not an affair, you still have the whole issue of fighting with your own mind about the affair. In some cases you mind may not want to believe it, and in other situations, it does not want to think. Instead, it stays ‘frozen’ or stuck.
When your mind is stuck, deciding what is real or not real becomes a big challenge.
There are also the situations where they have convinced themselves that there was no affair, yet you know there was. In such cases, the two of you are living in separate realities. It is hard holding any kind of conversation when the two of you are living in separate realities. In order to have a conversation, there has to be some common ground, or in this case a common reality.
If it is not your own mind or the cheater you are dealing with, you have to deal with the crazy-making popular culture. I was reminded of this recently when I encountered an article proclaiming that “Slut is a social construct”. There are even clothing lines catering to hipsters with “Slut is a social concept” emblazoned on them.
In other words, a ‘slut’ has become an imaginary thing. It is viewed as another way society keeps people down. The social construct may give college students and hipsters an excuse to wear some trendy shirts and some internet entrepreneur to sell you the trendy threads for a ‘trendy’ price, but in the real world of your marriage, it becomes a source of confusion and obfuscation.
I am sure that some of you know the difference between when a slut is after your husband and some figment of your imagination. When someone is making a pass at your spouse complete with suggestive comments and texts, it is not a social construct.
It is not a ‘social construct’ or your imagination that is calling on your spouse’s cell phone. It is not a social construct that is sending indecent photos of themselves to your spouse. You know very well that the slut is for real. They exist. They are not your imagination, or anyone else’s, except the writers who dream up such wild ideas and have events like slut walks to reinforce them.
Many of the ‘social construct’ ideas are about changing realities and what you call things. When it comes to affairs, such ideas only make a murky situation even murkier. It amounts to playing word games when your marriage is at stake. It gets you caught up arguing over point scores in a Scrabble game in the den while your spouse is busy scoring points with some slut in the bedroom.
Many behaviors and misbehaviors can be hidden with words. Some spouses are so convincing they can use words to have you doubting what you actually saw with your own eyes. That is some kind of power. When just the use of words has you doubting your own experiences.
If your spouse is not putting you first, if you are not being cherished above all others, if you are not being valued, something is wrong. No fancy word game or argument about social constructs is going to change those dynamics. Those ‘social construct words may blur reality, but you know something is going on. I find in such situations knowing how to correctly trust your own gut will help you determine what is real and what is not real.
Best Regards,
Jeff
